What the Heck is That?

This weight loss journey has been tough, not so tough, fun, maddening, interesting, educational, and rewarding. Learning more and more about myself with each passing day. Now that I have made it over the 100 pound weight loss mark, weighing 360, I am really starting to see my body morph into different shapes. My stomach is starting to look kinda like a sack of marbles. It is lumpy! Freaked me out at first. I asked a fellow weight loss buddy who also has a huge stomach, and they told me that it is normal, not to worry. It means the fat is disappearing, it is a good thing. Other things I have noticed is extra skin. Yuck. My arms, my upper/inner legs, under my arms, on my sides.... I knew it was going to happen. I just don't like it! However, being healthy is far more important. If that is all I have to deal with, then so be it. Other things I have noticed.... I can feel my bones!!! I can feel my back, my hip bone, my collar bone is visible, and I have a shin! lol It is so weird to see it move when I wiggle my toes. I can also feel my tail bone, which can literally be a pain in the ass when you sit for too long, or sit on a hard surface. I am so used to having that cushion that it is almost bothersome. I am sure I will get used to it though. I can see the bones in my feet. I know it sounds so crazy, but when you have been fat your entire life, and you are used to not seeing or feeling these things, when you finally do... it is WEIRD! I am constantly asking my husband, "What is this??" or, "What is that?" Feeling the ribs in my back was just eewwww to me.. haha. Gosh, if I am feeling my bones now, can you imagine how I am going to react when I lose the next 140 pounds? I am going to need padding all around me where the fat was.. lol. One thing that I have learned throughout this journey... it does not just shape your body, it shapes your mind and your spirit. Shapes you as the entire person. Your attitude, your strength, your will... ever aspect of your life is touched by the decision to live healthier and take care of yourself. I am looking forward to seeing what my fat has been hiding all these years other than my bones. I know it has been hiding me from society, from meeting people, from going some places, from doing things with my family and friends.... No more hiding. I am proud of who I am becoming, how far I have traveled, and I shouldn't have to hide...and I won't! <3

Looking Out For Me......

Hello all :) I decided to check my email that I use for genealogy and what do I see? An email from a person that I have not spoken to for almost 6 years. Stunned to see their name in my inbox, I decided to read it. At first, the email left me confused as to how to respond...then I came to the conclusion that I am probably not going to. I have known this person since the 5th grade. We have been on again, off again friends quite a few times. She has done some vicious things to me in our teenage years, and has also done some things as adults. Just not something that I am willing to invite back into my life. My life is going good right now, even when there are bad days. Mentally, I have found peace of mind and there is no amount of money on the planet to allow me to compromise that. Took a long time to find that peace, not about to lose it. This person has had their share of health issues. When faced with the last one, she had contacted me, wanting to make amends and be friends. She had apologized for treating me so poorly and wanted a chance to be a good friend to me. Even though I was reluctant, I decided to give her a chance thinking she may have done some growing up since the falling out we had. Once her health started to improve, the person that I once knew started to rear her head. Again, started to talk to me in such a way that although not said straight out, but belittling me and putting me down. I really feel that this person feels that she can treat me any way she chooses and I will always come back. See, she has always treated me like the little fat girl in school, desperate to keep a friend that I would tolerate ANYTHING to keep them, just so I had a friend. I would take being treated poorly, being put down, being made to feel inadequate. That little fat girl has died...... I am here now. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me in this manner. I know what I deserve and I know how I want to be treated. Now this person is going through worse health issues, one of the issues she faced has returned and is worse this time around. I truly feel bad that she is facing so much at such a young age. I wish no one this sort of grief. However, with that being said.... I do not wish anyone to feel how she makes me feel. No one should make you feel less than a person to edify themselves and make them feel better as a person. NO ONE. There is just so much history there... and most of which is bad. Even though this person has asked for forgiveness, and has asked for a chance to mend our friendship, I simply can't do it. I can forgive...but I can not let go of all the hurt and anguish that is there.... I can't. A part of me feels like she only contacts me when her life is falling apart... almost as if she is desperate. She has done some nice things for me and has been there during one of the most difficult times of my life. However, she has also made me feel like I owe her for it. Not that she was doing it to be a friend, but keeping a tab for a time when she could use it as a way to control me.... like I was indebted to her. The minute she got upset with me, she start throwing everything in my face everything that she has ever done, accusing me of using her. How can you use someone when you never asked them for anything and they insist you take this or allow them to do that? Many times I was reluctant and she insisted and insisted..... yeah, just to rub it in my face how much she did for me. Friends don't do that. I don't keep score, you know what I mean? So after much consideration and after asking advice from my friends on facebook.... I am just leaving it alone. I just can not bring myself to speak to her. Too much water under the bridge and I don't swim well.

Life.... an ever changing thing

Hello people! Thought that I would check in and update you all on how I have been doing. Well, today was my "weigh day" and I am now 360 pounds :) So hard to believe! I can not believe how much my life has been changing. Today, I started a fitness challenge with the "Obesity Warriors". 30 days long. Hope that I can do it! So far, I was able to conquer one thing I didn't think I could do. It is like a push up, but instead of bringing your body up and down, you remain up. When I am on the floor on my knees like that, it hurts like the dickens. So, I decided to put a couch pillow under my knees and I was able to do it! YAY! I am aiming for the goal of 350 before Abby's birthday. I sure hope I can do it! Just to be in the 200's again by the end of the year would make it well worth changing my lifestyle. That is what it is, too. It isn't a temporary thing, it is a permanent change in your life. Like I had just got done telling one of my friends. I do not consider what I do dieting. It is routine for me now, the normal. What would be out of the normal is eating poorly again. My eating habits have changed A LOT. That has been one of the major things during this journey that I know is taking off the weight. I can see my collar bone! I can feel my hip bone, my ribs, my tail bone (tail bone is not fun when sitting for a while... that sucker hurts!) The bones in my arms are more pronounced. It is just insane! I lie down on my back and my stomach sinks in and I can see my breastplate. WTF? Mind you, I still have a lot of weight to lose, but can not fathom that I can get an idea just how slim I will be once I get the weight off. I fear that I may be driving my friends crazy about my weight loss journey because I speak of it so much. I just can not help it! It is such a big part of my life....how could one be silent after losing over 100 pounds? That is a huge deal for me! Heck, that would be a huge deal for anyone! 468 was my biggest weigh in ever. 434 was my weight on February 8 and now, May 13 I weigh 360. Unbelievable. 74 pound loss in just 3 months! No special pills, no gimmicks. That is one thing that drives me nuts. People think they can pop pills and eat what they want. It does not work that way! Granted, some pills can help, but they do not do the work on their own... YOU have to be doing the work, they may make it easier... but that is it! They assist you, not do it all for you! Can you believe I am looking forward to my one year anniversary since I started my weight loss journey? Seems crazy, but I am serious! I want to see how many changes will happen in one year. Anyway, I am going to go for now. I am just rambling but I wanted to at least update this blog. It is a pretty handy tool to show me my progress... not only physically, but mentally as well! Have a great day! <3

Reflecting on the Old Me

Hello there fellow bloggers. It is me again! Just thought that I would write. It is almost 1:30am and I just got done watching an episode of Extreme Make Over Weight Loss Edition. The show was about a father named Jonathan who weighed 543 pounds. He and I were very much alike in a lot of ways. He desired to ride a bike with his children and he couldn't. He desired to be able to play with his kids, run and chase them, play ball. They would play around him but he really couldn't participate because his weight held him back. I sat and cried through most of the show because it seemed as if he was describing my life and how I was not that long ago. This journey that I have been on has been awesome. I went from being 468 pounds (which was a guess because it was my last known weight), not being able to shower without help. Couldn't put on my shoes. Not able to walk from one end of my house to the other without a break. Wasn't able to walk in stores, had to use the electric wheelchairs to shop. Heck, at Christmas time, I shopped online because I couldn't get out to shop at the stores. I couldn't do yard sales without having extreme difficulty. I would look at a few things and struggle to get back to the car. I wouldn't even be able to look at everything because of it. I would sweat A LOT. I would almost pant like a dog from being so short of breath. My back would hurt beyond belief. (It still does at times, but that is because I have a medical issue with it) I could not even get weighed at the doctor's office. Now? I can ride a bike. I can take a shower unassisted. I can put on my own shoes. I can walk for longer periods of time. I still get pain, but not nearly as bad. I can walk around stores for a hours at a time, pushing a cart. I hiked a trail. Was on my feet for 2 and a half hours at a kid show with my daughter and husband. I was able to do it. Last year, I spent 95% of the time sitting or finding the next chair. I actually RAN. Not a long time, but I did it. I have lost 84 pounds since that time I was weighed in at 468. I have lost 50 of that since February 8. I was finally able to be weighed at the doctor's office. So many little things have meant such a HUGE deal to me. Never did I imagine I would come this far. I have found strength within myself that I wasn't sure existed. I am finally happy and enjoying life. I have things to look forward to. I have goals and now I believe I can reach them because I have reached so many others. My goal for the end of this month is to weigh 375 or less. I am suppose to weigh in Monday on myfitnesspal, but I am pretty sure I have lost 4 more pounds. The scale has been telling me the last few times I was on it that I weigh 380. If that is the case, then I have 5 more pounds to reach my end of April goal :D However, because it is not Monday, I can not say it is official.. lol I will share with you some of my goals. My summer goals are: 1. Go to Waldameer and actually be able to ride the rides (Maybe next year, but one can hope!) 2. Go to the zoo with my family and actually ENJOY it and not sit out most of it like the last time. 3. Ride Presque Isle on my bike. (Loooooong ride, but I want to give it a try and see if I can do it!) 4. Be one or two sizes smaller!!! My end of the year goals? 1. JEANS!!!!!! 2. Size 18 would be awesome, smaller would be dreamy! However, I will take ANY smaller size.. lol 3. Be able to sit behind the wheel in my husband's truck and drive it! 4. Be in the 200's. (even if it is 299... still counts!) I am sure there are some that think these goals are silly, or do not mean anything. To me, they are everything. Unless you have been or you are morbidly obese, you have NO idea how much these goals mean. Each day I am fighting for my life, fighting to stay around longer to watch my little girl grow up, to be with my husband and harass him. I know that at 468 pounds, I had one foot in the grave and the other one on the grass. I can not allow myself to go back to that. No burger, no chip, no french fry, no blizzard from Dairy Queen will ever mean more to me than that. Never feel as good as getting on my bike and spending that time together as a family, enjoying the outdoors together. NOTHING means more to me than that. I will continue to strive and work to get where I need to be so I can be a healthy mom, wife, and friend. I am 38, but have been living as if I am an elderly person. I have SO much life in me. I am not ready to curl up and die. I have so much to live for. So with each day, I work at achieving that goal. Remember, if you are reading this.... know that there is nothing that you can not do. Once you set your mind to do something, you got it. Dig deep for that determination, for that inspiration. Step out of your comfort zone and see what you can do. If you can't, you will. If you fall, get back up. Only YOU can seal the book of your fate. Grab the pen and keep writing!

April Update on ME :)

Wow, I really need to stop neglecting this blog! So much has happened in a month's time. March 30, 2013, me, my husband and my daughter went on our first bike ride! That's right... BIKE RIDE! I never dreamed that I would have been able to ride this soon, but I am! It was the most amazing day. 16 years since I had been on a bike. I couldn't ride with my weight being so out of control. Now I can. I LOVE it. This was one of my main goals when I started this diet. I wanted to ride a bike with my baby girl. I DID IT! Going out today, too :) Also, I have lost more weight since I last blogged. Last weigh in.... I finally got under 400 pounds! YAY! I am not an official 3bee :) I had gone to the doctor's office with my husband 2 weeks ago. I had asked the nurse to weight me. She was glad to do it. For the first time in a very long time... I was able to be weighed at the doctor's office. Usually, both weight bars would go all the way to the right and that would be the end of it. Not this time. The bottom bar went all the way to the right, but when the smaller weight went all the way to the right, she had to tap it back to the left.. and kept tapping it... finally landing on 394. I cried. I was SO happy to finally be under 400 pounds. Finally able to be weighed at the doctor's office. It was so nice to see the doctor happy about my weight instead of upset and concerned. The nurse hugged me and congratulated me. It was another moment in my life that will stay with me forever. Since then, I have dropped 4 more pounds... I am down to 390. I have been checking my weight on a daily basis, but I do not log it until Monday. Looks like I am down to 384, but I am not going to count that just yet... even though I would LOVE to. So many things have happened.... my life has been constantly evolving. I feel so much better, so much more alive. Why did I wait so long to do something about my weight? Gosh... I sure did rob myself of living and for what... whopper? Blizzard from Dairy Queen? My diet has changed some since my last post. I now allow more carbs in my diet and I am now up to 1400 calories. Reason I bumped them up, if I am going to be more active, I am going to need more fuel to do so. 1200 calories and the low carbs was the drastic measure I was taking to get the weight off of me without exercising, because I simply could not move around well. Now that I can ride a bike, walk better some days, I do not want to make myself sick. I had noticed that I was getting tired all the time and was not feeling well. My weight loss had also stalled. Once I upped everything, I started to lose again and started to feel better. If I get to the point of having difficulty losing, I will drop back some things a little at a time. I have GOT THIS :) With the warmer weather approaching, I am looking forward to all of our adventures. I can not wait to enjoy life again. I have always had the spark within me, now it is my time to shine!

Update on my Diet :) Update on my Life

Hi there! I have been on a roller coaster of emotion these last few weeks. However, I have been sticking to my diet! I rarely eat more than 30 net carbs, my calories are 1250 or less. Been doing it for almost 2 months now! My last known weight before I started this diet, was back in 2008 or 2009. I was a whopping 468 pounds. I was completely destroyed when I saw that number. I just pretended like it never happened and carried on with life. February 8, 2013, after almost a month of being on the diet, I got brave and went and got weighed, to know where I was at. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to be over 500 or close to it, due to my lack of caring what I was doing to myself. I stood on that scale like it was my last step of life. The paper came out to the side of the machine to tell me my weight. I took a deep breath and looked at the slip. I burst into tears. I was 434. I had lost 34 pounds since my last weigh in. Although the road was long, it didn't seem to be as terrible *although still not wondering of course*. I stood there in tears. I knew then I could buy a scale at Walmart without having to order a special one to accommodate my size. I had my doubts about the scale, thinking that it had lied to me. I wanted to be sure. So, we went to Walmart and my husband got me a scale. Not a digital, the old fashioned kind. I was reluctant, but I stood on it in the store and it said the same amount as the other scale did. It was confirmed that I was indeed the amount it said I was. A week later, I do my weigh in and got another surprise. I had lost another 10 pounds! Of course, again, I doubted the scale because it could not possibly be correct! So, I asked my husband to take me to the mall to their fat scale, so I could see what it said. Sure enough, I stood there waiting for the slip to come out of the machine and when I read it, I said, "HA! Another 10 pounds, baby!" I am sure most everyone at the mall heard me. I couldn't help it! I was ecstatic! That meant I had lost 44 pounds! Again, another week passed and I had lost 8 pounds. Total loss of 52. Then, along came this last Thursday, the 28th of February. I hop on the scale, and only lost 2 pounds. WHAT! Then it dawned on me what was going on.... us girl's have a curse that blesses us with extra water for a week or so. So, I get on the scale last night. Lost another 4 pounds...... probably all water!! haha. So, since the initial weigh in at 468, I have lost 58 pounds. 24 of that since February 8th. I can walk a lot better than I did.... I can take a shower without help now.... I can get my shoes on my feet most days by myself... Life is getting better, although I have my moments that I do not think it is working, or that I think I am wasting my time. Even though it is a large amount of pounds, because of being so obese, it is not so easily seen. People are starting to tell that my face, my stomach and my legs and feet are getting slimmer. It took a while, but I am getting the comments. I am glad that I am able to move around better, cause I tell you... I hated being an elderly person when I am only 38. My goal is to get in the 300's to get weighed at the doctor's office so I can start getting my weigh documented. Better chance of skin removal with a documented weight loss. I am pretty sure I am going to need it because of being so obese. That is OK though.... at least I am fixing the problem. I have so many hopes and dreams for myself when I am smaller. I just need to get there. My husband bought me a bicycle for us to go together. Gosh, that will be heaven. We used to do that all the time when we first got together. We were all over the place. Once we got a car, we drove everywhere, which led to drive thrus, bad habits, fat butt... lol It will be so nice to do that again. Especially, now we have our little girl. I want to be able to do so much with her. Once this weight is off of me, there should be nothing stopping me. I refuse to allow food to be more important to me than being there for her. I had no idea how addicted I am to food. I say it in PRESENT tense because I know the addiction is still there, I have control of it right now. I relied on food for every sort of emotion I had. I would celebrate and be happy with food... I would lean on food when there was no one else to lean on. If I were bored, food was there to entertain me. If I was upset and needed comfort, the soothing taste of food would being me joy that I was lacking. I know it probably sounds insane, but it is the truth! It is a lot like a drug, or an alcoholic drink! When one is addicted, they run to their addiction to make it better, or to feel good. I had to learn that there are other ways to cope. Just got through with something rather emotional and I had to find my way without food. It worked! I wanted to quit, I am not going to lie, but I couldn't. My own will power won the battle of what my emotions wanted. I am sure I will have that struggle for the rest of my days, just like any recovering addict would have. Well, I suppose I have went on and on long enough. I am going to attempt to get some sleep :) Have a good night and I will update you again!

Starting a New Life

Why, hello blog world! Been an awful long time since I have used this. I decided that I am going to use this as my dieting journal, of my struggles, etc. 4 days ago, I decided once and for all that I needed to do something about my weight and started the low carb diet. I had played with it before, only making it two days each time I tried. The detoxing from carbs is pretty rough to deal with. Makes you feel like you are coming off drugs, and in a weird sense, you are! You get headaches, sick to your stomach, GRUMPY!!!! From what I have been reading, it doesn't last forever, just have to get through this week and the symptoms go away. I am so glad that I finally decided to do something. I am sitting on the sidelines, watching my husband and daughter enjoy life... walking trails, playing on the playground, etc. I want to be included. Physically, I can barely walk around. Between my back and getting short of breath with chest pain, it limits me. My daughter is 5 right now and I want to see her grow up... be the terror her date faces when he comes to take her to the movies... watch her get married, etc. I know that in my current state, it is not likely to happen. So, the first day I had 59 carbs, second 26, third 19, and today I have had 17. Considering that I would devour 300+ carbs a day with ease, I am thinking I am not doing all that bad. Been peeing like crazy though!!! I just hope I have the strength to do this. I have had a lot of encouragement from some awesome friends :) Tomorrow will be another day, another challenge, and hopefully less detoxing for me!!! Take care! :)