UGH!

Well, as far as motivation? HA! That is a laugh. Been naughty the last couple days. Between husband's work schedule and me not feeling so wonderful, energy and the will to do anything went right down the crapper.
So, the plan? Good question. I have to get myself on track in all aspects of my life, not just one or two. If I don't, the tracks that I am on I will derail from. Do not want that.
Been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of different things. Ready to make some changes, not sure when to put it in action though. I have to evaluate what is healthy for me and what isn't. Life, friends, food, all of it needs to be taking into consideration. I have started to make some changes already, but I know that more need to be made. I am quite happy with my recent decisions, and I hope that it all turns out for the best. I am working on improving myself as a person, too. I have faults, we all do, and I am trying to work on them.
I need to let my husband know I appreciate him more, too. Sometimes I am so used to the daily routine, that I take him for granted. He is out on a daily basis busting his ass for me and my daughter, the least I can do is tell him thank you every now and then. I have to remember that I make mistakes, too. Everything is not his fault.
Been thinking about my Megan A LOT lately. I really believe that my mind is trying to tell me I need to face some things that I have buried away for so long so I can heal properly. Been afraid to let myself feel that pain again. I really think I need to so I can get through it, instead of pretending like it isn't there.
Well, I am going to close for now. I could go on and on but I am starting to get tired!!! 330am comes WAY too fast and it is heading this way as we speak.
Until next time.....

Not too bad.....

Even though my living room is still a toy shack, I did some straightening up and got some more laundry done. WOO HOO! I have plans this weekend to get some totes and start loading up some of these toys and use them as a toy box so there is some sort of order in here. Been kinda sucky since the truck has been down the past few days and the husband had to take the car. :( I hate being stuck at home. I can not wait to get a different vehicle. Then, I could take the daughter to her appointments and actually grocery shop.
Diet? What diet? Who is on a diet? Oh yeah, that's right, me. Oops. Forgot about that. (Yeah, right) I know, I know. I will get to it. I have it "in writing" on here, so I will have to sooner or later, right?
As far as getting rid of stuff, I have a total of 5 bags of clothes. I am not talking little bags. I am talking the big ol' garbage bags...and mama ain't done. I have got to make room in here. I am used to such a bigger place than this, but I have to adjust. Been adjusting, but I need to do more. I can not wait until the weather breaks so we can bust ass in the units. Get those the hell outta our hair! Only keep what we really, really want. No need to have all that crap in there. That is what it is mostly, crap! Definitely not worth the money we have been spending to store it. If anything, maybe get a small, closet size storage, and put the stuff in there. 35 a month is a lot better than 155.
Well, not sure how productive today will be, but we will see. If this morning and how I am feeling right now is any reflection, count on a bomb out... lol

Wipe out.....

Well, yesterday was a complete failure all the way around. My diet, my motivation, everything... poof. I did not lift a finger to do ANYTHING. I ate like a pig and sat on my butt. So much for my last blog? lol Hopefully, today it will be different. The same things that I needed to do yesterday are still sitting there waiting for me. Problem is, I have the same motivation as yesterday... which is zippo. I need a kick in the arse! I think depression is starting to kick in...which sucks because it is very hard to get motivated when you are depressed. I am going to have to just flat out DO SOMETHING. Maybe it will make me feel better if I actually accomplish something today. Even if it is something small.... something is better than nothing, right? WIsh me luck... and a lot of it!

Pretty Productive Weekend :)

Even though the living room is still in need of some assistance, I busted my tail end over the weekend. Yep, I got most of our clothes washed and put where they should be, changed the water in the fish tank, *needed some help, but it was still WORK*, took out the trash, and hung different curtains up in the living room. I now have the dishes staring me down waiting to be washed and the living room to pick up. Still have the "too many toys" issue, but I will get to it. I think I am going to get some boxes after the husband comes home. I am stuck with no vehicle at the moment... which sucks.
I would so be out and about if I could be.
I really could use a new mattress. My back, every day, some days worse than others, hurts like HELL. It makes it hard to get around and do the things that I need to do to keep up with everything that I want to get done. I might take a small break and just do what needs to be done today cause it is really hurting today.
As far as the dieting, I am in major need of motivation. I am failing miserably. I need to get to the store and get some grocery shopping done. Right now, I am kinda stuck with what is in the house. I am thinking of a plan, just not sure how it is going to work. I need something that is simple, that does not starve me, and have variety and yet I can still have some of my favorite foods, without having the diet blues. I know I said that maybe something in moderation and balance. I really think that is the start.
Of all things, I am looking at a cereal box. It has daily values on the side, of what someone's intake of fats, carbs, sodium, etc. for 2000 or 2500 calorie diets.
When I look at the fat & carb intake for a day at 2000 calories, I am in serious trouble. The total fat for a 2000 calorie diet is 65g a day. Shit, one Whopper and a fry screws you over for the entire day!
One of my friends had mentioned that she is trying to 15 grams of fat per basic meal. (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) That would be an intake of 45 grams a day, which is less than you are allowed in a 2000 calorie diet. Maybe try that and maybe cut the carbs to only 200 a day or less? Carbs are the killer with me. I crave starch. I love potatoes, rice, pastas... yeah. All the carb whores :( I was doing really good on the carb diet that only allows less than 10 a day for 2 weeks, then bump it up to 50 until I said, "Heck with it, poor people need carbs." Yeah, poor man's food... pasta, rice.... meal stretchers. See, I should have just cut back, not strip it away completely or to almost nothing.
I think I might keep a journal, you know, one of those diaries, to keep track of what I am eating....hold myself accountable. I know I have got to do something. I want to be able to chase my daughter on the playground, go to her school without her playmates making fun of her fat mommy, just being able to do the things I used to before I gained all this weight. I miss being able to ride a bike, walk everywhere and anywhere I wanted to, dancing. It really sucks being big. I guess I have to get fed up enough to really make an effort. I think I am seriously there. I know the DRs have been after me about the surgery. I really do not want to go that route. I am scared of surgeries and I just can not bring myself to do it. Maybe if I have no choice? If this whole diet thing does not work, than I will. I need to try first... really try. Not just a week, not just a few days, but a real effort. I do not want my daughter to grow up without me.

*Yawn*

Well, the day that I can actually sleep in, here I am! 6am and I am in front of the computer. Husband and daughter are sleeping. I was a bad girl yesterday. I didn't do anything in the house. (BOO!) I know, I know. I will make up for it today. I am really thinking about getting the living room. The toys out here have gotta find a home! I am thinking about getting totes and using them as toy boxes. I really, REALLY need to sort them cause there is no way on this earth that my ONE child is going to play with ALL of these stupid things... lol I am thinking about getting another child's toy bin. They are awesome. I shouldn't need 2 of them, but maybe that will help with at least organizing the chaos in here. Anyway, I went to Aldi a month or so ago and found this toy bin. I LOVE IT! I would recommend it for anyone that is trying to get organized. It has helped a lot, it does not take up that much space, and your kid can get into it easily. (Which means they can help clean up that much more, too :-) ) Here is a link so you know what I am talking about. http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/p_10151_10104_011W487620110001P?vName=For+the+Home&cName=Storage&sName=Kids&keyword=toy+bin+organizer This is JUST like the one we have. It takes as much space as a small bookshelf/video organizer would and you can really load that puppy up!
OK, enough about that... haha
Dieting wise? Well??? I have sucked bad on that one. I know pop is not the greatest thing for me, but I am at least on diet pop now. As for watching what I eat? Yep, I watch it as it enters my face. Not good, I know. I figure do one thing at a time so that way I feel like I am not really missing anything. I think the key is moderation & balance. I just need to figure out HOW I am going to do it. I watch what my daughter eats like a hawk. I refuse to let her get big like me. I do not want her to go through all the hardships of being fat. Unless people have been there or are there, there is no way they would understand. There are some people that get really judgmental about fat people. They have no idea, they only THINK they do. Ignorance is bliss I suppose. Anyway, I think what I need to do is start working on a meal plan or something. Limit my fat and carb intake, yet, not limiting portions. I am sure it can be done. That way, I get full, and I am not taking in stuff that is bad for me. Maybe drinking a 20oz bottle of water before eating will help? Hmmm. Something to ponder anyway.

Well, it is February already....

Well, I have been doing better about getting things done. I actually have most of my clothes where they belong... WOO HOO! I have to figure out how on earth I am going to organize all of my daughter's toys. She has TONS... actually, too much. With small living space, I have to figure out something.
Been doing stuff that I do not NEED to do and I seem to be catching up.
Plus, I have been getting out of the house more. Even if it is just me or me and my daughter, I have been getting out. That is a big step for me. I am working on it!
Still a little slow about picking up in the living room, but I will get it. Today is not over yet! :)

What a difference a day makes......

Well, I am kinda really lazy today. Can not get motivated to save my life. Yesterday I got out for a bit and it wore me out. Amazing how much energy it takes me just to walk around a couple stores. Hopefully, it will get easier for me as time goes on.
I have dishes to do, a load or 2 of laundry, and here I am sitting in front of this thing bored to death.
I had such motivation the other day, what the heck happened? I need to find that motivation again...take a vitamin or something!

My 4 goals

Well, it is the new year. Been thinking lately on things that have changed, things that could be changed, and thinking about things that have been the same for a long time. Thinking about the people that have come and gone in my life, the people that have stuck around, even when at times it has been trying. A re-evaluation of my life.

I know that I have some things that I would like to change. A friend on my facebook had posted a status about 3 achievable goals to strive for, instead of a new year's resolution. I think her idea is a good one, so I am going to give it a whirl. Except, I am going to shoot for 4.


1. My weight. It has been a constant struggle since I was a little girl. I need to bite the bullet and not the cheeseburger, and get motivated to get this extra load off of me. No miracle diets or starving. I want to do it healthy. I want to be around to watch my child grow up.

2. Laziness. OMG, I would rather walk over it than pick it up. The past few days, I have been good about it though. I have set a goal to do AT LEAST one thing a day that I need to do to keep the household running smooth. Whether it be a load of laundry, picking up around the house, etc. (of course aside from the meal preparations & dishes... no choice there) No more weekend madness trying to get a week's worth of work in one day.

3. My choice of friends. I have never, NEVER, been good at making friends, or keeping them. Something ALWAYS happens. Either it is me, them, or a mix of both, but something always seems to happen and I end up losing a friend. Sometimes, I walk away from someone because it is either too hard to try to keep them, do not want them in my life because I found out they are no good, or something spooked me off to the point I am leary about being their friend and I shy away. Or, the person walks away from me. I tend to trust people that I shouldn't, and do not allow myself to trust those that seem to be worth it. I need balance here, not sure how I am going to find it, but I have to try.

4. Get rid of the extra clutter! Including, our storage units. OMG, that can add up in price when you sit down and look at a year of payments. I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff, but I want to continue in doing so. I am learning that the less you own, the better.

I think this is within reason. I am going to work at it and do my best. All I can promise myself is to do my best, right?