Oh My God!

That is one heck of a way to greet me after not seeing me for a year... you know what? I ate it up. Every.... single.... word. Saw my niece today. Have not seen her in a year. She had asked me to do a photo shoot for her and her daughter, and I did it. Oh my goodness, how much easier it was for me to maneuver! I was climbing small hills, walking along the river bank, squatting, sitting on the ground, etc. The last time I did a shoot, I was not getting around that well and took a cut in pay (my idea) because it was taking more time than a normal shoot. But her face when I got out of the van.... "Oh my god! You look good!" I asked her if she could see a difference and she said, "Yeah I can! Big difference. I can tell you lost a lot of weight." When I told her I was now down 115 pounds, her mouth dropped. Told her I still have around 130ish to go, one day at a time. Also, I showed her how my clothing is fitting me. A shirt that I wore on the photo shoot before I lost the weight, was kind of tight..... it is rather loose now. FINALLY my belly is starting to go away. I am so happy! Oh my god!!!! :D

Time to Shop

Hello blog land. Been busy the last few days with this and that. My body is telling me that I have really been working it, which is good! I signed up for a 30 day internet challenge for workouts. Let me tell you what....some of those exercises really bring reality head on. I am so weak! Leg strength, I have all day long. Abs, arms, etc. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I even went and got a set of 3 pound dumb bells to help along with this work out challenge. Today is day 11, day of rest....thank goodness! My arms are still sore from yesterday's venture. They are beginner, low impact workouts and it makes me feel like this. Well, with all the bike riding, working out, and watching my calorie intake....I finally, FINALLY see I need clothes that FIT! We stopped at McDonald's yesterday because my bladder could not take it anymore..haha. I looked in the mirror and my clothes hang on me. I mean HANG. I could fit Abby in with me, that is how much room I have. My shorts I had on, I have them as tight as they will go. They are pull string waist, and the strings hand down almost to my knees! Looks more like a skirt! haha. I had put on a pair of my underwear that I used to wear... oh my goodness. I need a pillow to stick between my butt and the seat of the underwear, otherwise they just hang there, exposing my butt! So not kidding! I think it is time to get rid of them for sure! However, I feel leery about getting rid of the clothes. I am not quite sure if it is fear of needing it again, fear of not fitting smaller clothes, I don't know. I know it is a mental thing going on. I feel safe in the bigger clothes, like I am hidden. I don't know how to explain it. I have to figure it out. I do plan on hitting yard sales for more clothing. So weird not to try to find 4 or 5 X. The largest pair of pants I have in my closet is size 6X. I can't wear them anymore. The legs are all ballooned and they about fall off of me....yet, I hang on to them. WHY? Is it a hoarding issue? lol I must admit, the shirts are going to be difficult to get rid of because I LOVE loose fitting shirts in the first place. It was pretty difficult to find one at the size I was... but now, ALL my shirts are loose. I suppose it won't hurt to keep some of my favorites and part with ones I do not wear as much. Just feels so weird. I don't really own anything that fits right. Heck, my nightgowns are huge on me. I have one that I will probably have to part with, which is a 5-6X. It keeps falling off my shoulders. I wake up to my "girls" outside of the stupid thing in the morning sometimes. Not cool when you have a little girl that comes in at times to greet you in the morning. haha. I just have to realize that I am not that big, even though mentally I still am. I have about reached my end of May goal :) My goal was to be 350 pounds before the end of May (Was hoping before my daughter's birthday, which is only a few days away). Monday, my weight was 353. I am SO close! I hope I can get it. Then, I will have to create a new goal for June. Maybe 335 before the end of June. Gosh, that seems so unreal! I am getting closer and closer to being in the 200's.... omg, I will cry like a little baby the day that scale reads 299 or under. You have no idea how that will impact me. I have not been in the 200's since high school. I can't wait!!! haha. I know I am rambling... hope I am not boring you guys to death. I know I talk a lot about my weight loss, but it has become such a big part of my every day life. I don't regret it for one minute. Every struggle, every challenge, every pain has been damn worth it. With each baby step, I am getting closer to the finish line. I may be the tortoise getting there, but remember the tortoise won that race, not the hare.

"I'm Surprised I'm Not Fat...I'm Lazy Too."

Yesterday was a pretty good day... for the most part. Started off a little stressful, but ended up good. Got to visit a good friend and her family, whom I have not seen in a while. I was eating up all the compliments of my weight loss. Heck yeah! lol Makes you feel good when your hard work is noticed. If you have something good to say about my weight, carry on! I will listen! LOL I actually got to walk with my friend through her wooded area at her home. It was super! I have never been able to do it before. She was happy that I was able to. So was I! If I were told last year that I would be able to do all the stuff that I have been doing, I would have said someone was full of shit. I am simply amazed at myself. If that sounds weird, well so be it. Not the first time I have been weird... ha. After we left her house, we hit the bike trail. Got to a detour and had to take it to get the rest of the trail. Oh my god..... that incline about killed me. It was nice coming back though... coasted down it with no peddling.. haha. My legs felt like rubber. That and the fact we were on the trail for 3 hours, 10 minutes. Went 14.59 miles! My ass was kicked and I was super sore. Me and Ben Gay had a date for the evening. On the trail, we took a rest at a rest area and we ran across this young guy named Cody. He was a little odd, but a friendly sort. He was on his way out of town via the bike trail. He had about 5 more hours to go before reaching his destination. I told him I was still getting used to riding, that I had only been riding this last year because I was out of shape. Then we got on the subject of weight. I told him I had lost a lot of weight, had more to go, but was determined I was going to do it. He patted his belly and said, "I'm surprised I'm not fat cause I'm lazy too. I sit around and eat potato chips." I looked at him. Lazy? ME? LAZY!?!? At first, I thought.. "You butthole." Then, I realized he may have had a point. I AM a lazy person. I think that played a part of my weight gain, but not the whole problem. Eating, depression, laziness, etc.... all played a role in it. Hand in hand led me to 468 pounds. So, I guess he wasn't an butthole. lol

468...How Does That Happen?

How does one end up being 468 pounds? I had asked myself that question on numerous occasions. It is more than liking food. Heck, a lot of people enjoy food, but a lot of people do not end up 468 pounds. It is more than that.... much deeper than that. It is only a symptom of the problem, not the total problem. How does one end up morbidly obese? One word sums it up.... pain. I didn't realize it until I looked long and hard at my life, what went wrong. I was 92 pounds when I was in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! How does a child get that big at such a young age? Genetics? Maybe. I think it might stem from something else. Although I do not remember exactly when my poor eating habits began, but I do remember exactly what happened when I was 5, right before going into kindergarten. An older teenage boy, who was a neighbor and my mom's friend's son, molested me twice. I had NO idea what was going on, why he wanted me to do the things he was having me do, I was completely oblivious. I remember almost every detail. I remember what went through my mind when he exposed himself to me. As ridiculous as it sounds, it didn't even register that it was a part of his body. I had never seen anything like that before and was completely clueless. Even after it happened I was clueless. It wasn't until later on in life that I truly understood what had happened. Even though I had the innocence of a child, I was still uncomfortable. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know what. Unfortunately, this was not going to be the only time that something like this happens to me. Again when I was 10 until I was 11 by my cousin, and then at 18 by a boyfriend I had. The first incident really didn't affect me until it happened again with my cousin when I was 10. It sent me into a complete tail spin. My parents marriage was already very rocky, there was a lot of stress in the house since my cousin ended up staying with us, and then this happened. When I finally got brave and told my mother, I was told to keep it secret from my father, because he was already starting to have health issues. She got him placed into foster care since he was a minor. I had to go on with life as if nothing happened.... although there was no way I possibly could. I started flunking in school, started to stay more to myself, and I started eating...and eating a lot. I was starting to have anxiety issues, to the point that just the very thought of going to school was making me sick. When I stayed home, I ate and ate. Example, I would eat 8 pieces of toast smothered in butter in one sitting. I would make a box of macaroni and cheese and eat it in one sitting. Once an active child, all I wanted to do was sit around and eat. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was 194 pounds. 1987 was one of the worst years of my entire life. My one friend I had since we were babies moved out of state, my other best friend was killed in an accident, and then my dad had a massive heart attack that left him 1/3 of his heart to live on. Loss after loss after loss. Although my dad didn't die, he was never the same again and his bad tempter got MUCH worse. I picked up smoking. Was easy to do since my parents were smokers. It wasn't until July 20, 1987 that my mom found out I smoked. Instead of getting me to quit, she would supply my newly found addiction. At the time I thought she was cool, now I just do not know what was going through her head as to why she would go along with it. I am thinking because she was mentally weak due to all the mental abuse from my dad. He was vicious at times with his words. He had the ability to break you down with the things he said. I loved him, yet, I could not stand him a lot of the time. Just so much to deal with. A year later, I started drinking. I was still doing horribly in school and I was still eating any chance that I got. By the time I was in the 9th grade, 3 months into it I was expelled for missing too many days. I never returned to school. 1993 is another awful year. Struggling taking care of my father, who's health was deteriorating more and more as the days went on, wondering how he was still alive. I had made some bad choice and ended up with a loser who ended up taking advantage of me. My mother was stricken with multiple sclerosis. My life as I knew it was turning upside down. Although I was used to helping my mom to take care of my dad, I ended up taking care of both of them. I was a nurse, a mother, and rarely the child in the equation. By this time, I had friends that I would escape with and they would always treat me out to eat. So now, I was eating out a lot on top of eating a lot when I was at home. I weighed 350 pounds. As time went on, there was a ray of sunlight in my life.... my husband. One of the best things that has ever happened to me. Saw me through a lot, helped me face the demons of being raped, I quit smoking & drinking, and I was trying my best to live a good life in spite of everything falling apart around me. 1996 we were married. We decided it was best to remain living with my parents because I feared they would not be able to survive on their own due to their health. 3 years later, my dad passed away. I was saddened, yet relieved. My mom no longer had to tolerate the abuse. I honestly do not know why she stayed with him. She said she loved him, but I really don't know why? Maybe the same reason I loved him, because he was something to me... he was my dad. He was her husband. For the first time in a very long time, my mom was starting to turn around. She had went from someone that took care of herself, to someone who honestly didn't give a shit. She was starting to care again, which made me happy. Of course, we took her out to eat... A LOT. 2002, my mom passed away from uterine cancer. I felt SO lost. I felt orphaned. My husband and I really struggled for a year after her death because neither one of us had ever been on our own and we were thrown into the role with little to no warning. It was a huge adjustment. We never really ate a home... always ate out. What was the point of cooking for two? At least, that was what we thought. Fast forward to 2006. 10 years of marriage, never been pregnant. Was told I couldn't get pregnant, mainly due to my size. So, we never gave it a thought...... until June 6, 2006 when I went to the doctor. I was not feeling well and was scared that something horrible was wrong....afraid that I may have had what my mother had. Went for an ultrasound and found out I was 7 months pregnant. (No lie) However, the ultrasound showed that something was terribly wrong. August 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, only to lose her 14 1/2 hours later. Her kidneys didn't work and her lungs never developed. This was the most tragic thing that ever happened to me. I blamed myself for losing her. If only I had known, although there was no real way of knowing. It was normal for me not to have periods for months on end, was told I couldn't get pregnant, so I wasn't looking for it. I thought it was impossible. I felt as if life was a big, cruel joke. I simply didn't care about much. I did a lot of reading and learned that the best time to get pregnant was after you have given birth, within 3 months or so. I knew I could get pregnant and we decided to go for it. November 2006 I found out I was pregnant. At my 16 week check up, we learned that our baby girl had a heart defect, and possibly had downs. I was scared. By this time, I was also on bed rest because I was showing signs of toxemia. Bed rest on top of my eating habits was a really bad combination. My weight by now was 410. May 2007 they had to deliver our daughter by c-section. I was only 30 weeks along, which made her a preemie. Not only were we facing the fact that she needed heart surgery, but she was also premature. After a 3 month stay at the hospital, she was able to come home. However, I was limited to how much she could go out, which made me a more of a hermit, not getting out and moving about. I would stay home and eat. December of 2007 was time for her heart surgery. I never been more scared in my life. She did very well and she had a new lease on life. (She is still doing great!) However, with all the stress, all the staying home, all the not doing anything really caught up with me. I began having difficulty walking, doing minimal things around the house. I was in complete denial that it was my weight causing the issue. 2008 or 2009 (Can not remember exactly) I ended up in the ER. When they had me step on the scale, I about had a heart attack on the spot. It read... 468 pounds. I almost started crying. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pretended as if it never happened. At this point, I did not care what I ate, how much I ate, how many times I ate. I ate and I ate. I had accepted that I was fat, was going to be fat, nothing I could do about it, so might as well enjoy whatever I want. 2012 I had a doctor tell me that I was too far gone to diet. That only confirmed my way of thinking and from the office I went straight to the buffet. I DID NOT CARE. So, what made me start to care? My daughter. It didn't really hit me until my daughter wanted to do things with me and I couldn't do them. She wanted me to play on the playground, go for walks, ride a bike... I simply could not do it. When I saw how much she desired for me to be a part of her life, I felt that I had to do something. I had tried to diet, failed. Tried again.... failed. What was I doing wrong? Then it dawned on me. I needed to address how I got to 468 in the first place. All the pain I had tucked away from all the things that happened in my life... I needed to face them head on. It was 2012 after the death of my cousin (not the one who hurt me). She had committed suicide. It was the straw that broke my back. I mentally crashed. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to fight my way back up if that makes any sense. I would spend a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.... my life, my childhood, the losses I had suffered. Sometimes, sitting here crying. I had to let the pain go. I was able to "release" my first daughter and say good bye to her. I had to admit that my dad was abusive and I had ugly feelings toward him. I had always spoke highly of him because I was in complete denial of how he was. I had to forgive my cousin (not tell him, just in my heart) so I could make peace with what happened. Same with the teenage neighbor and my ex boyfriend. I had to admit to mistakes that have been haunting me and apologize for them, which I did. I needed to finally believe that I was worth the fight, that I was worth trying to save. My husband and my daughter NEEDED me. For a long time I had convinced myself they didn't need me, was better off without me. I had to do this. If not, I would try to diet and fail over and over because it was never a food issue..... it was a mental one! Food was a comfort. It was make me feel whole, gave me pleasure in its taste, numbed the pain or anxiety I had felt. Because of the "feel good factor" I became a food addict. I would eat when I was bored, even if I wasn't hungry. I would eat large amounts of food at a time. I would eat simply because! It was my way of making reality go away so I didn't have to deal with it... just for that time. Do I still struggle with urges to eat when upset? You bet I do! What do I do instead? I talk about what is bothering me. I face it and deal with it to the best of my ability. I have become so much stronger once I had this revelation. I no longer run to the fridge, or to the cupboard. I used to celebrate with food... all occasions! Why? Because food was a FEEL GOOD FACTOR! It just makes so much sense to me now. Yes, this blog is pretty long winded. This is actually the 5th time I sat down to write it. So many painful memories. BUT, it does help to face them, share them, talk about them.... because it is when you hold it in that it hurts the most and will eventually hurt you in one way or another. So when you see an obese person, before passing judgement that they are lazy, that they eat too much, think and know... more than likely, they are in pain and just trying their damnedest to make it go away... at least for a little while. No one (at least in their right mind) sets out to be 468 pounds.

What the Heck is That?

This weight loss journey has been tough, not so tough, fun, maddening, interesting, educational, and rewarding. Learning more and more about myself with each passing day. Now that I have made it over the 100 pound weight loss mark, weighing 360, I am really starting to see my body morph into different shapes. My stomach is starting to look kinda like a sack of marbles. It is lumpy! Freaked me out at first. I asked a fellow weight loss buddy who also has a huge stomach, and they told me that it is normal, not to worry. It means the fat is disappearing, it is a good thing. Other things I have noticed is extra skin. Yuck. My arms, my upper/inner legs, under my arms, on my sides.... I knew it was going to happen. I just don't like it! However, being healthy is far more important. If that is all I have to deal with, then so be it. Other things I have noticed.... I can feel my bones!!! I can feel my back, my hip bone, my collar bone is visible, and I have a shin! lol It is so weird to see it move when I wiggle my toes. I can also feel my tail bone, which can literally be a pain in the ass when you sit for too long, or sit on a hard surface. I am so used to having that cushion that it is almost bothersome. I am sure I will get used to it though. I can see the bones in my feet. I know it sounds so crazy, but when you have been fat your entire life, and you are used to not seeing or feeling these things, when you finally do... it is WEIRD! I am constantly asking my husband, "What is this??" or, "What is that?" Feeling the ribs in my back was just eewwww to me.. haha. Gosh, if I am feeling my bones now, can you imagine how I am going to react when I lose the next 140 pounds? I am going to need padding all around me where the fat was.. lol. One thing that I have learned throughout this journey... it does not just shape your body, it shapes your mind and your spirit. Shapes you as the entire person. Your attitude, your strength, your will... ever aspect of your life is touched by the decision to live healthier and take care of yourself. I am looking forward to seeing what my fat has been hiding all these years other than my bones. I know it has been hiding me from society, from meeting people, from going some places, from doing things with my family and friends.... No more hiding. I am proud of who I am becoming, how far I have traveled, and I shouldn't have to hide...and I won't! <3

Looking Out For Me......

Hello all :) I decided to check my email that I use for genealogy and what do I see? An email from a person that I have not spoken to for almost 6 years. Stunned to see their name in my inbox, I decided to read it. At first, the email left me confused as to how to respond...then I came to the conclusion that I am probably not going to. I have known this person since the 5th grade. We have been on again, off again friends quite a few times. She has done some vicious things to me in our teenage years, and has also done some things as adults. Just not something that I am willing to invite back into my life. My life is going good right now, even when there are bad days. Mentally, I have found peace of mind and there is no amount of money on the planet to allow me to compromise that. Took a long time to find that peace, not about to lose it. This person has had their share of health issues. When faced with the last one, she had contacted me, wanting to make amends and be friends. She had apologized for treating me so poorly and wanted a chance to be a good friend to me. Even though I was reluctant, I decided to give her a chance thinking she may have done some growing up since the falling out we had. Once her health started to improve, the person that I once knew started to rear her head. Again, started to talk to me in such a way that although not said straight out, but belittling me and putting me down. I really feel that this person feels that she can treat me any way she chooses and I will always come back. See, she has always treated me like the little fat girl in school, desperate to keep a friend that I would tolerate ANYTHING to keep them, just so I had a friend. I would take being treated poorly, being put down, being made to feel inadequate. That little fat girl has died...... I am here now. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me in this manner. I know what I deserve and I know how I want to be treated. Now this person is going through worse health issues, one of the issues she faced has returned and is worse this time around. I truly feel bad that she is facing so much at such a young age. I wish no one this sort of grief. However, with that being said.... I do not wish anyone to feel how she makes me feel. No one should make you feel less than a person to edify themselves and make them feel better as a person. NO ONE. There is just so much history there... and most of which is bad. Even though this person has asked for forgiveness, and has asked for a chance to mend our friendship, I simply can't do it. I can forgive...but I can not let go of all the hurt and anguish that is there.... I can't. A part of me feels like she only contacts me when her life is falling apart... almost as if she is desperate. She has done some nice things for me and has been there during one of the most difficult times of my life. However, she has also made me feel like I owe her for it. Not that she was doing it to be a friend, but keeping a tab for a time when she could use it as a way to control me.... like I was indebted to her. The minute she got upset with me, she start throwing everything in my face everything that she has ever done, accusing me of using her. How can you use someone when you never asked them for anything and they insist you take this or allow them to do that? Many times I was reluctant and she insisted and insisted..... yeah, just to rub it in my face how much she did for me. Friends don't do that. I don't keep score, you know what I mean? So after much consideration and after asking advice from my friends on facebook.... I am just leaving it alone. I just can not bring myself to speak to her. Too much water under the bridge and I don't swim well.

Life.... an ever changing thing

Hello people! Thought that I would check in and update you all on how I have been doing. Well, today was my "weigh day" and I am now 360 pounds :) So hard to believe! I can not believe how much my life has been changing. Today, I started a fitness challenge with the "Obesity Warriors". 30 days long. Hope that I can do it! So far, I was able to conquer one thing I didn't think I could do. It is like a push up, but instead of bringing your body up and down, you remain up. When I am on the floor on my knees like that, it hurts like the dickens. So, I decided to put a couch pillow under my knees and I was able to do it! YAY! I am aiming for the goal of 350 before Abby's birthday. I sure hope I can do it! Just to be in the 200's again by the end of the year would make it well worth changing my lifestyle. That is what it is, too. It isn't a temporary thing, it is a permanent change in your life. Like I had just got done telling one of my friends. I do not consider what I do dieting. It is routine for me now, the normal. What would be out of the normal is eating poorly again. My eating habits have changed A LOT. That has been one of the major things during this journey that I know is taking off the weight. I can see my collar bone! I can feel my hip bone, my ribs, my tail bone (tail bone is not fun when sitting for a while... that sucker hurts!) The bones in my arms are more pronounced. It is just insane! I lie down on my back and my stomach sinks in and I can see my breastplate. WTF? Mind you, I still have a lot of weight to lose, but can not fathom that I can get an idea just how slim I will be once I get the weight off. I fear that I may be driving my friends crazy about my weight loss journey because I speak of it so much. I just can not help it! It is such a big part of my life....how could one be silent after losing over 100 pounds? That is a huge deal for me! Heck, that would be a huge deal for anyone! 468 was my biggest weigh in ever. 434 was my weight on February 8 and now, May 13 I weigh 360. Unbelievable. 74 pound loss in just 3 months! No special pills, no gimmicks. That is one thing that drives me nuts. People think they can pop pills and eat what they want. It does not work that way! Granted, some pills can help, but they do not do the work on their own... YOU have to be doing the work, they may make it easier... but that is it! They assist you, not do it all for you! Can you believe I am looking forward to my one year anniversary since I started my weight loss journey? Seems crazy, but I am serious! I want to see how many changes will happen in one year. Anyway, I am going to go for now. I am just rambling but I wanted to at least update this blog. It is a pretty handy tool to show me my progress... not only physically, but mentally as well! Have a great day! <3