Update on my Diet :) Update on my Life

Hi there! I have been on a roller coaster of emotion these last few weeks. However, I have been sticking to my diet! I rarely eat more than 30 net carbs, my calories are 1250 or less. Been doing it for almost 2 months now! My last known weight before I started this diet, was back in 2008 or 2009. I was a whopping 468 pounds. I was completely destroyed when I saw that number. I just pretended like it never happened and carried on with life. February 8, 2013, after almost a month of being on the diet, I got brave and went and got weighed, to know where I was at. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to be over 500 or close to it, due to my lack of caring what I was doing to myself. I stood on that scale like it was my last step of life. The paper came out to the side of the machine to tell me my weight. I took a deep breath and looked at the slip. I burst into tears. I was 434. I had lost 34 pounds since my last weigh in. Although the road was long, it didn't seem to be as terrible *although still not wondering of course*. I stood there in tears. I knew then I could buy a scale at Walmart without having to order a special one to accommodate my size. I had my doubts about the scale, thinking that it had lied to me. I wanted to be sure. So, we went to Walmart and my husband got me a scale. Not a digital, the old fashioned kind. I was reluctant, but I stood on it in the store and it said the same amount as the other scale did. It was confirmed that I was indeed the amount it said I was. A week later, I do my weigh in and got another surprise. I had lost another 10 pounds! Of course, again, I doubted the scale because it could not possibly be correct! So, I asked my husband to take me to the mall to their fat scale, so I could see what it said. Sure enough, I stood there waiting for the slip to come out of the machine and when I read it, I said, "HA! Another 10 pounds, baby!" I am sure most everyone at the mall heard me. I couldn't help it! I was ecstatic! That meant I had lost 44 pounds! Again, another week passed and I had lost 8 pounds. Total loss of 52. Then, along came this last Thursday, the 28th of February. I hop on the scale, and only lost 2 pounds. WHAT! Then it dawned on me what was going on.... us girl's have a curse that blesses us with extra water for a week or so. So, I get on the scale last night. Lost another 4 pounds...... probably all water!! haha. So, since the initial weigh in at 468, I have lost 58 pounds. 24 of that since February 8th. I can walk a lot better than I did.... I can take a shower without help now.... I can get my shoes on my feet most days by myself... Life is getting better, although I have my moments that I do not think it is working, or that I think I am wasting my time. Even though it is a large amount of pounds, because of being so obese, it is not so easily seen. People are starting to tell that my face, my stomach and my legs and feet are getting slimmer. It took a while, but I am getting the comments. I am glad that I am able to move around better, cause I tell you... I hated being an elderly person when I am only 38. My goal is to get in the 300's to get weighed at the doctor's office so I can start getting my weigh documented. Better chance of skin removal with a documented weight loss. I am pretty sure I am going to need it because of being so obese. That is OK though.... at least I am fixing the problem. I have so many hopes and dreams for myself when I am smaller. I just need to get there. My husband bought me a bicycle for us to go together. Gosh, that will be heaven. We used to do that all the time when we first got together. We were all over the place. Once we got a car, we drove everywhere, which led to drive thrus, bad habits, fat butt... lol It will be so nice to do that again. Especially, now we have our little girl. I want to be able to do so much with her. Once this weight is off of me, there should be nothing stopping me. I refuse to allow food to be more important to me than being there for her. I had no idea how addicted I am to food. I say it in PRESENT tense because I know the addiction is still there, I have control of it right now. I relied on food for every sort of emotion I had. I would celebrate and be happy with food... I would lean on food when there was no one else to lean on. If I were bored, food was there to entertain me. If I was upset and needed comfort, the soothing taste of food would being me joy that I was lacking. I know it probably sounds insane, but it is the truth! It is a lot like a drug, or an alcoholic drink! When one is addicted, they run to their addiction to make it better, or to feel good. I had to learn that there are other ways to cope. Just got through with something rather emotional and I had to find my way without food. It worked! I wanted to quit, I am not going to lie, but I couldn't. My own will power won the battle of what my emotions wanted. I am sure I will have that struggle for the rest of my days, just like any recovering addict would have. Well, I suppose I have went on and on long enough. I am going to attempt to get some sleep :) Have a good night and I will update you again!

Starting a New Life

Why, hello blog world! Been an awful long time since I have used this. I decided that I am going to use this as my dieting journal, of my struggles, etc. 4 days ago, I decided once and for all that I needed to do something about my weight and started the low carb diet. I had played with it before, only making it two days each time I tried. The detoxing from carbs is pretty rough to deal with. Makes you feel like you are coming off drugs, and in a weird sense, you are! You get headaches, sick to your stomach, GRUMPY!!!! From what I have been reading, it doesn't last forever, just have to get through this week and the symptoms go away. I am so glad that I finally decided to do something. I am sitting on the sidelines, watching my husband and daughter enjoy life... walking trails, playing on the playground, etc. I want to be included. Physically, I can barely walk around. Between my back and getting short of breath with chest pain, it limits me. My daughter is 5 right now and I want to see her grow up... be the terror her date faces when he comes to take her to the movies... watch her get married, etc. I know that in my current state, it is not likely to happen. So, the first day I had 59 carbs, second 26, third 19, and today I have had 17. Considering that I would devour 300+ carbs a day with ease, I am thinking I am not doing all that bad. Been peeing like crazy though!!! I just hope I have the strength to do this. I have had a lot of encouragement from some awesome friends :) Tomorrow will be another day, another challenge, and hopefully less detoxing for me!!! Take care! :)

UGH!

Well, as far as motivation? HA! That is a laugh. Been naughty the last couple days. Between husband's work schedule and me not feeling so wonderful, energy and the will to do anything went right down the crapper.
So, the plan? Good question. I have to get myself on track in all aspects of my life, not just one or two. If I don't, the tracks that I am on I will derail from. Do not want that.
Been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of different things. Ready to make some changes, not sure when to put it in action though. I have to evaluate what is healthy for me and what isn't. Life, friends, food, all of it needs to be taking into consideration. I have started to make some changes already, but I know that more need to be made. I am quite happy with my recent decisions, and I hope that it all turns out for the best. I am working on improving myself as a person, too. I have faults, we all do, and I am trying to work on them.
I need to let my husband know I appreciate him more, too. Sometimes I am so used to the daily routine, that I take him for granted. He is out on a daily basis busting his ass for me and my daughter, the least I can do is tell him thank you every now and then. I have to remember that I make mistakes, too. Everything is not his fault.
Been thinking about my Megan A LOT lately. I really believe that my mind is trying to tell me I need to face some things that I have buried away for so long so I can heal properly. Been afraid to let myself feel that pain again. I really think I need to so I can get through it, instead of pretending like it isn't there.
Well, I am going to close for now. I could go on and on but I am starting to get tired!!! 330am comes WAY too fast and it is heading this way as we speak.
Until next time.....

Not too bad.....

Even though my living room is still a toy shack, I did some straightening up and got some more laundry done. WOO HOO! I have plans this weekend to get some totes and start loading up some of these toys and use them as a toy box so there is some sort of order in here. Been kinda sucky since the truck has been down the past few days and the husband had to take the car. :( I hate being stuck at home. I can not wait to get a different vehicle. Then, I could take the daughter to her appointments and actually grocery shop.
Diet? What diet? Who is on a diet? Oh yeah, that's right, me. Oops. Forgot about that. (Yeah, right) I know, I know. I will get to it. I have it "in writing" on here, so I will have to sooner or later, right?
As far as getting rid of stuff, I have a total of 5 bags of clothes. I am not talking little bags. I am talking the big ol' garbage bags...and mama ain't done. I have got to make room in here. I am used to such a bigger place than this, but I have to adjust. Been adjusting, but I need to do more. I can not wait until the weather breaks so we can bust ass in the units. Get those the hell outta our hair! Only keep what we really, really want. No need to have all that crap in there. That is what it is mostly, crap! Definitely not worth the money we have been spending to store it. If anything, maybe get a small, closet size storage, and put the stuff in there. 35 a month is a lot better than 155.
Well, not sure how productive today will be, but we will see. If this morning and how I am feeling right now is any reflection, count on a bomb out... lol

Wipe out.....

Well, yesterday was a complete failure all the way around. My diet, my motivation, everything... poof. I did not lift a finger to do ANYTHING. I ate like a pig and sat on my butt. So much for my last blog? lol Hopefully, today it will be different. The same things that I needed to do yesterday are still sitting there waiting for me. Problem is, I have the same motivation as yesterday... which is zippo. I need a kick in the arse! I think depression is starting to kick in...which sucks because it is very hard to get motivated when you are depressed. I am going to have to just flat out DO SOMETHING. Maybe it will make me feel better if I actually accomplish something today. Even if it is something small.... something is better than nothing, right? WIsh me luck... and a lot of it!

Pretty Productive Weekend :)

Even though the living room is still in need of some assistance, I busted my tail end over the weekend. Yep, I got most of our clothes washed and put where they should be, changed the water in the fish tank, *needed some help, but it was still WORK*, took out the trash, and hung different curtains up in the living room. I now have the dishes staring me down waiting to be washed and the living room to pick up. Still have the "too many toys" issue, but I will get to it. I think I am going to get some boxes after the husband comes home. I am stuck with no vehicle at the moment... which sucks.
I would so be out and about if I could be.
I really could use a new mattress. My back, every day, some days worse than others, hurts like HELL. It makes it hard to get around and do the things that I need to do to keep up with everything that I want to get done. I might take a small break and just do what needs to be done today cause it is really hurting today.
As far as the dieting, I am in major need of motivation. I am failing miserably. I need to get to the store and get some grocery shopping done. Right now, I am kinda stuck with what is in the house. I am thinking of a plan, just not sure how it is going to work. I need something that is simple, that does not starve me, and have variety and yet I can still have some of my favorite foods, without having the diet blues. I know I said that maybe something in moderation and balance. I really think that is the start.
Of all things, I am looking at a cereal box. It has daily values on the side, of what someone's intake of fats, carbs, sodium, etc. for 2000 or 2500 calorie diets.
When I look at the fat & carb intake for a day at 2000 calories, I am in serious trouble. The total fat for a 2000 calorie diet is 65g a day. Shit, one Whopper and a fry screws you over for the entire day!
One of my friends had mentioned that she is trying to 15 grams of fat per basic meal. (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) That would be an intake of 45 grams a day, which is less than you are allowed in a 2000 calorie diet. Maybe try that and maybe cut the carbs to only 200 a day or less? Carbs are the killer with me. I crave starch. I love potatoes, rice, pastas... yeah. All the carb whores :( I was doing really good on the carb diet that only allows less than 10 a day for 2 weeks, then bump it up to 50 until I said, "Heck with it, poor people need carbs." Yeah, poor man's food... pasta, rice.... meal stretchers. See, I should have just cut back, not strip it away completely or to almost nothing.
I think I might keep a journal, you know, one of those diaries, to keep track of what I am eating....hold myself accountable. I know I have got to do something. I want to be able to chase my daughter on the playground, go to her school without her playmates making fun of her fat mommy, just being able to do the things I used to before I gained all this weight. I miss being able to ride a bike, walk everywhere and anywhere I wanted to, dancing. It really sucks being big. I guess I have to get fed up enough to really make an effort. I think I am seriously there. I know the DRs have been after me about the surgery. I really do not want to go that route. I am scared of surgeries and I just can not bring myself to do it. Maybe if I have no choice? If this whole diet thing does not work, than I will. I need to try first... really try. Not just a week, not just a few days, but a real effort. I do not want my daughter to grow up without me.

*Yawn*

Well, the day that I can actually sleep in, here I am! 6am and I am in front of the computer. Husband and daughter are sleeping. I was a bad girl yesterday. I didn't do anything in the house. (BOO!) I know, I know. I will make up for it today. I am really thinking about getting the living room. The toys out here have gotta find a home! I am thinking about getting totes and using them as toy boxes. I really, REALLY need to sort them cause there is no way on this earth that my ONE child is going to play with ALL of these stupid things... lol I am thinking about getting another child's toy bin. They are awesome. I shouldn't need 2 of them, but maybe that will help with at least organizing the chaos in here. Anyway, I went to Aldi a month or so ago and found this toy bin. I LOVE IT! I would recommend it for anyone that is trying to get organized. It has helped a lot, it does not take up that much space, and your kid can get into it easily. (Which means they can help clean up that much more, too :-) ) Here is a link so you know what I am talking about. http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/p_10151_10104_011W487620110001P?vName=For+the+Home&cName=Storage&sName=Kids&keyword=toy+bin+organizer This is JUST like the one we have. It takes as much space as a small bookshelf/video organizer would and you can really load that puppy up!
OK, enough about that... haha
Dieting wise? Well??? I have sucked bad on that one. I know pop is not the greatest thing for me, but I am at least on diet pop now. As for watching what I eat? Yep, I watch it as it enters my face. Not good, I know. I figure do one thing at a time so that way I feel like I am not really missing anything. I think the key is moderation & balance. I just need to figure out HOW I am going to do it. I watch what my daughter eats like a hawk. I refuse to let her get big like me. I do not want her to go through all the hardships of being fat. Unless people have been there or are there, there is no way they would understand. There are some people that get really judgmental about fat people. They have no idea, they only THINK they do. Ignorance is bliss I suppose. Anyway, I think what I need to do is start working on a meal plan or something. Limit my fat and carb intake, yet, not limiting portions. I am sure it can be done. That way, I get full, and I am not taking in stuff that is bad for me. Maybe drinking a 20oz bottle of water before eating will help? Hmmm. Something to ponder anyway.