Why, hello old blog of mine!

Man, it sure has been a long time. Shame on me. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. Update time! Well, I was on a roll with my weight loss and then I hit that road block... that emotional road block. I just snapped and didn't care anymore. Things were going on in my life that no one knew about... most still don't know. Was in a car accident that totaled our van. Ended up with a nice car afterward, but it was sure a struggle to get there. On top of that, I injured my back and it was as if I was 468 pounds all over again. Since I felt like I was 468 (because of being immobile) I started eating like I was 468. Trying to forget the physical and mental pain I was feeling. From December to beginning of June, I gained 49 pounds back that I had lost. When I saw I was 386, something in side of me just clicked. What the hell was I doing? Why was I doing this to myself? To my daughter? To my husband? I remembered how free I felt last year with all the weight I lost... how good I felt about myself. As I stood on that scale staring down a number that once was, I realized I was on the downward spiral and I had to find my way out of the hole I dug myself. So, mid-June, I decided enough of the pity party... get back on it and do it. I sit here now at 368. (doctor's scale said 364, but for the sake of keeping track, going to stick to my scale). I want to get back to 337 (last known accurate weight) and continue on my journey. I went to the doctor the other day for routine check up. I was scared out of my whits. I was so afraid that my horrible eating from December - beginning of June was going to really destroy everything that I had accomplished over the course of last year. Thankfully, I am in awesome shape! Blood sugar, cholesterol, both great! My liver enzymes that were all elevated last year, only one type is elevated now. I had a fatty liver and it is starting to heal itself. YAY! I am not as gun-ho as I was last year... not going to go crazy and extreme. I want to pace myself so that way it is a lifestyle that I will more than likely stick to. I have some goals set, and with any luck and determination, I will nail them. Here are my little ones. Goal 1: I wanted to hit 100 pounds lost again... and I did as of August 15. SCORE! Goal 2: I want to be able to walk a mile without sitting again. Hopefully, I will get there. My back makes it very difficult to do so. Bigger Goal 3: Be in the 200's before my birthday at the end of February. Meaning, losing 68 pounds in 6 months. I think that is pretty reasonable. Bigger Goal 4: Bike ride 10 miles at least before biking season is over. So.... simple and small goals for myself. I need to do this. I have to do this. My daughter is depending on me.

Challenges & Goals

Hello blog world, it is me the boring and not so entertaining ME. OK, enough of the lame. I did a challenge that I set for myself... and it was one I was not sure I was going to be able to do this year, but I did. It was unexpected, unplanned, but I think it was best to happen that way so I didn't have excuses. I know I had mentioned before about Nelson Ledges. It is a place that is loaded with caves, waterfalls, and beauty. Only thing, it is one heck of a hike and you have to climb up and down rocks and hills to get to different places in the park. I did it. Most of the time we did the more difficult trails, my husband helped our daughter so she was able to do it. A whole 60 minutes of it. I took pictures of my hike & climbing. Little did I know in one picture, I would capture a bear. I didn't know he/she was there when I took the picture. Didn't see it when I took the picture. Uploaded my picture to the computer and there it was..... a bear's nose. I was 10 feet away from this animal and had NO idea. Talk about a pee your pants moment, that was pretty close... haha. Would I go back there? You bet I would. I know that they sleep during the colder months, so that is when I will plan on going there again..haha. Before we went to Nelson's, I went to a place called "Chair Factory Falls" and walked and climbed hills. Was well worth it because the falls were gorgeous. Did 60 minutes of walking there, too! After there, we stopped at an old 1800's village and walked it for 60 minutes. So by the time I got to Nelson's, I was pretty tired and already worn out, but did it anyway. :) I was so proud of all the exercising I did that day. Here it is Wednesday and I am STILL sore from it! It is OK though, that means muscles were worked that needed to be worked. So, my next goal and challenge is the Kinzua Skywalk. It goes out 600 feet into a valley between mountains, and is roughly 250-300 feet in the air. It has a glass floor so you can see just how high up you really are. I am deathly afraid of heights. Petrified is probably a better term. One thing I have learned about this whole weight loss journey is that it is a year of facing fears and conquering them one by one. Fear is something that YOU make up. It doesn't exist until you conjure it up. So, with that being said, since I created this fear, I need to put it to death. Not only will I get great exercise doing this, but I believe it will help make me a stronger person. I have so many things I want to do, but fear gets in the way. I am strongly considering college, but fear again is really putting me in a vise. I have to mentally talk myself into doing it, just like I did when I started this journey. I have to give myself pep talks and talk myself into doing things. I know it probably sounds strange, but it is the honest to goodness truth. I have issues with failure. I hate to fail. So, in order to avoid failure, I do not even try. Think about it, that is a failure in itself! So, I know that I have plans, and I know I want to follow through with them, it is just a matter of getting myself prepped for it. My scale is being a dork again. I think it is telling me the truth, then I don't. The last time I was weighed, I was 341. Now my scale is saying between 330 and 335. Not exactly sure where I am at this point. I will just keep plugging along anyway. I must be doing something right if I am no longer 468, right? Some days are so much more difficult than others when it comes to food. This last week I have been hungry as if I am starving and I am not even sure why? A couple days this week I have gone over my count, even the day with all that walking and hiking. However, because of the exercise, I was under, but without the exercise, it would have been a disaster. I want to try to eat better when I can. When nearing a pay period, it can be difficult to do. We tend to go with what is cheap. I still for the most part stay under my calorie goal, but I hate eating processed stuff. I am trying to learn ways of veering away from it and trying other healthy alternatives. Anyway, this is my ramble for today. Hope you all are doing fabulous! Take care!

Long Overdue Update!

Been a coon's age since I updated this blog. Bad me. A lot has been going on but I wanted to share a few things with you guys! Well, I went to the doctor a short while ago. Nothing bad, just the routine check up. Had blood work, etc. Well, to see the doctor's face when she saw me was worth it all. She congratulated me on my weight loss so far and said I was looking good. I at least know my weight for sure, so I was able to fix my scale at home to read right :) On that day, I weighed 346, I now weigh 339 :) At least I am going in the right direction and I know my weight FOR SURE this time! She calculated how much weight I had lost and she was floored. Ahhhh.... but I have to tell you what the lab work said! I AM NO LONGER considered a diabetic. That's right, I beat it! :) My cholesterol is in excellent shape for once! Beat that! :) However, my liver enzymes were way abnormal. She thinks it is more than likely my gall bladder since it has been giving me trouble for a while now... or a fatty liver. I am suppose to have an ultrasound. Bad me again.... have yet to make that appointment. *sigh* I have also met a couple goals :) We road Presque Isle bike trail, which was 13.5 miles! That was one of my goals for this summer and I did it! It was so nice to have that experience. The last time I was there at the park, I could not even get to the monument because it was too much walking. This time, I rode around it and OWNED it! :) Not only that, last weekend my husband, daughter and I went on another bike ride on the bike trail and rode 22 miles!!!! I got this! :) Also went to a zoo with my family & friends :) Walked around and was able to enjoy myself. We were on our feet for hours! I didn't have to keep stopping and was able to thoroughly enjoy the experience. I have other goals in mind that I would like to achieve before the end of this year. 1. Get under 300 pounds. That is going to be a doozy. I need to lose 39 pounds in 3 months. That is going to take some work. I may not reach it, but I might be close! 2. Nelson Ledges Park. Rock climbing anyone? I won't be able to do the more difficult path because we will have our daughter with us, but the easier trails, I want to go back and do :) 3. Kinzua Skyway. Put it this way. This is another doozy. I am scared shitless of heights for one. The skyway is the old train bridge that used to span across the Alleghany River in the mountains. It was the highest train bridge in the states. Well, a tornado came through and ripped it in half, so now there is only MAYBE half of it left. They turned it into a skyway so you can walk out and see the beauty of the mountains and the valley. It is only 301 feet up in the air, that's all. *blank stare* 4. Get my house in pristine shape. As a lot of my friends know, I suck at housekeeping. Main reason was it was so difficult to get around to do anything in my home, so things would get a little crazy. Now that I am 129 pounds lighter, I am able to move about a lot better. Well, sometimes I still have the 468 pound mindset. This last week when my daughter is in school and husband is at work, I have been doing stuff around the house on a daily basis. Once caught up, I am going to make a schedule for me to keep. Such and such day I mop the kitchen and the bathroom. Such and such day I vacuum and dust all rooms. Such and such day I do the laundry. You get the idea. I want to be able to keep the household moving smoothly and have a nice neat home. Been getting rid of a lot of stuff lately and it isn't done! I will get it, I will! 5. Well, I was challenged to go out dancing before the year is up by another fellow weight loss buddy. I better get my butt out there and boogie soon! hahaha I have thought about college a lot lately. Wondering if I should go to college or go to work or both. However, I need to prove to myself that I can be active on a daily basis and handle it. I need to prove that I can get my house in shape before I take on something else. I think that is a smart choice. Well, there you have it in a nutshell. There is my update! lol

Down to the Brass Tacks.....

Well, I had my first real test. The test to see just how determined I am to remain faithful to my journey. As some of you know, when it comes to stress & food addiction....it can be a very bad combination. We had learned on August 5th, that my husband's father had passed away.....on July 26th. Missed saying goodbye, missed the funeral, everything. Their relationship was never the best, but they did care for each other. He was pretty upset that he was left out and not included.... especially the obituary. Needless to say, there was a high amount of stress in the house, on top of the other stresses we were having. Money is and has always been the root of stress for us. Lack of it really sucks, especially when situations such as these occur and you are pressed to find ways to get it. We needed to make a 4 hour trip where his father lived and find out what happened, and speak with the step mother as to why my husband was kept in the dark. In order to go, I sold one of my grandmother's rings. It hurt me to do it, but would hurt me more if my husband did not find some sort of peace, some sort of closure. His truck, just days before all this, was having transmission issues. The reverse was not wanting to work. Would slip and shake the truck and not want to move. Would only move slowly. Can not find a used transmission in any junk yard... and then when was located, they wanted 500 dollars for it. To rebuild it, even if we pull it ourselves and hand it to them, would be 1,300. We simply do not have that kind of money. So, with the money I got from the ring, we got a filter and some fluid and some stuff to help stop slipping and cleans the transmission from anything that may be gummed up. Hopefully, that will do the trick, but not holding my breath. So...... the next day after we found out my father in law passed.... was the bad day. Stressed, emotional, didn't care... so I ate. I ate what I wanted. I craved, I bought, I ate. By the night's end, I was at 2,104 calories for the day. That really is not bad, but for someone that is used to staying at 1600 or less, that was bad. The following day, I had a diet coke. I have not touched on in almost 2 months. It is OK though, cause I thought it was the shittiest tasting stuff created by mankind. I don't think you have to worry about me drinking it again. lol I ate really poorly, but we were on the road. Even though the choices were poor, my calorie count was only 1347. Good... but bad. However, I definitely proved something to myself. I truly got this journey. I GOT IT!!! Cause the old me, would have went insane with food. I didn't. I strayed some, yes, but I did not overindulge. All these stresses, worried about how to pay this and that, and plus what I had mentioned already..... this would have sent me so off the deep end, but I am still here, still doing my journey, and I am still happy even though things are so gloom right now. What people have to realize when they take on a weight loss journey. It is not just the weight of the fat you need to lose... you need to lose the emotional baggage, lose the negativity, and you will be like a hot air balloon. Once the last sand bag is removed, watch you just glide in the sky to admire the beauty this world has.

Another One Bites the Dust....

Well, I did it. It about killed me, but I did it. I did Indian Point. I did the trail and the stairs just like I had set out to do. I needed to do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could. Going down was not as difficult as going back up. Going up, I almost did not make it. At one point, I got super sick to my stomach and dizzy along with some shortness of breath. It was bad, but at least I finished what I set out to do. It shows me that I am not where I want to be just yet, but I am definitely on the right path of getting there :) Didn't go to the zoo this month as anticipated, but we will go eventually. There was a change of plans that was beyond our control. However, we do have a plan in the making for another goal I had in mind for this summer. Presque Isle bike trail. It is a loop that is approximately 13 miles. We plan on going there, packing a lunch, riding to the midway point for a picnic, then returning to our vehicle. I have done over 14 miles before, it takes me about 3 hours, so I know what I am in for. I was sore from the last long trip, but there were hills and such that presque isle does not have. *Should* be easier than the last long trip. It is all flat land. I am excited but also very nervous. I want to be able to do it. Even though (to me) it seems like I have not lost all that much this month, I feel that I have gained some stamina, some strength, and some more mobility. I am still sore from Indian Point...haha. It is a good sore though. I worked muscles that have not been worked, so that is good :) I want to try to not focus so much on what the scale says.... especially mine. haha. It is so fickle at times and I do not want to get discouraged on my journey. I do not want the scale to be the only reflection of my hard work. The scale does not tell you of all the accomplishments you have made nor does it tell you all the victories you have won. I have learned that along the way with my journey. I am looking forward to doing more things. I have such a desire to enjoy life since I had been watching it go by for so many years. You know that one poem about the "dash" that is between your birth date and death date on a gravestone? I want that dash to represent happiness and a full life.... a life that was well lived, not just existence. I want to be able to make that dash be as long as I can.

Goals Are Met- Goals Are Set - Let's Do This Thing!

Even though I have had quite a few ups and downs this month, one thing for sure. I know I have lost more weight. One of my goals to meet was to be able to not only sit behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but to drive it. I couldn't fit behind the wheel.... I was too dang fat! A few months ago I tried, I could get in, but the wheel but into my stomach pretty bad. Well, yesterday I took the truck out for a spin! The wheel barely brushes my tummy now. That made my day! I was so happy to finally reach that goal.

Now, onto a goals that are going to be met this month. We are going to a zoo, and I am going to walk it, and I am going to have fun with my family! It is SO nice to be able to walk now. I still get pain from my back, but that is a given. Pain meds and back patches will take care of that mess.. haha.

I set a goal for myself after reading someone else's post. I think I am going to conquer one of my "fears" or shall I say, "Oh hell no" things. There is this park called, "Indian Point" that we love. There is a trail and the "hell no" part... a large flight of stairs....... oh yes, that is my goal. I am going to do the trail, and I am going to do the stairs that take you down to the river. It is not a short flight of stairs by any means. It was rough when I did them clear back in 1997-98. I was the same size as I am now. (Weight wise, not shaped the same... not sure how that works, but it is what it is) I am going to do this before the month is over with. Here is a map so you can see the trail & the stairs:

http://www.lakemetroparks.com/select-park/documents/IndianPointTrailMap0606.pdf

I need to do this. I have to. I need to face fears head on and take them out. I can not be afraid that I can't do this or that... I have to just jump in and do it. I think I am more than ready for this challenge since I can walk a mile, ride my bike for miles, etc. Here is a picture of the stairs :) Gets the nerves up seeing the picture, but I can do this.

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4084/5045452058_fa435bf7b5_z.jpg

Here is a video of the park:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwv5h7je-Ic

I Want to Smash All Scales

I have come to the conclusion that I can not trust scales to tell me the truth about my weight. No matter what I do, no matter what scale, I do not get an accurate reading to save my life. No wonder there are some people that do not even monitor their weight by the numbers... it can be very discouraging and down right frustrating! I just want to smash the little f'ers to bits! Today was another party... make that TWO parties. Of course, wonderful food was to be had at both places. I tried to be good.... but landed myself in the 2500 calorie intake again today. 3 time this month! I am not used to eating over 1400, especially THAT much. I have got to get a grip on this shit or I am going to gain every ounce that I lost back again and then some. I do NOT want to return from where I once came. Screw that. I am just starting to gain my life back and I will be damned if I am handing it back over to my addiction. My food addiction has stole so much from me... take that back... I ALLOWED it to steal so much from me, there is no way I am letting it get away with that again. Forget that noise. I have got to really get a hold of this before I spiral out of control again. More discipline and less allowance to eat this and that. With every allowance, old habits are wanting to creep their way back and I can not have that! I was killing myself before, I am not done living and I am enjoying that I CAN live. I guess in a way this is a pep talk to myself, but man, I have got to get a grip here. I mean, I know that by no means I am as bad as I was with food, even on my worst day as of late... but I have to protect myself from a grave error. You know how there are some people that use others. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile? Yeah. Addiction is the same way. It uses you to fulfil what it desires. If you give it a little taste of something it has been wanting, knowing it is not good, it will run with it and before you know it a bite of pleasure turns into a plate of guilt. I guess I need to put my foot down with myself and get back on track! As far as I know, I am still losing, not gaining. Again, the accuracy of the scale I am having serious issues with. It bothers me because I would truly like to continue keeping track, but the stupid ass thing keeps telling me something different every time I step on it. (within 5 minutes or less of each time mind you) Anyway, I am going to go. I am quite sleepy. Had a long day full of parties, people, and food. I need to wind down and start over tomorrow. Have a good night <3 Toodles!