It is what it is.....

Well hello my blogging friends. Been a while so I thought that I would drop a few lines. Had some aggravations, some disappointing moments, and a couple of oopsies so far this month, but still doing my thing. Let's start off with my lovely scale. Let's just say I would love to take a large sledge hammer and see what is inside it. I am thinking some little troll is in there, trying to make me miserable. Well, back in June I was at a friend's house and attempted to step on her scale. MY scale said I was 338.... hers said I was 368! I was like, what.... the..... fuuuuuuuu..... Of course, I thought maybe her scale was off and kinda brushed it off. Wasn't until I went to another friend's house on July 4. Stepped on her scale, which they swear is accurate because it is the same as a freight scale, said that I weighed 358. *Blank stare* By this time, I had a hunch that my other friend's scale had been right. I was upset, but didn't show it because I didn't want to be "Debbie Downer". I brushed it off and said, "Either way, it is still over 100 pounds I have lost." Well, it wasn't until I got home and decided to chat with my online friends (who are also on a weight loss journey) that I broke down and sobbed. I didn't know whether to shut the laptop and run to my room, or tough it out and try to stop crying. They encouraged me and made me feel better....even though in some ways, it still bothered me. So, a few days ago, I stepped on my friend's scale (the original one that I had stepped on before) and it said I weighed 353. Still not as low as I thought I had been all this time, but proof that my weight is still going down anyway. So, that means I did not hit my May goal....even though my scale said I did. :( That had me bummed. SO, by the end of this month, I want to be 350 or less. My scale is so messed up, I am not even sure if I want to use it. I have tried and get different readings all the time. I give up on that friggin thing. So, not only was it confirmed on July 4 that my weight was 20 pounds more than I had thought..... but my eating was a little overboard. I was doing 1400 calories at the time.... I ate 2002. First time I had gone over 2000 since I started this back in January. Then, July 14 was another bad eating day for me.... was over 2,500! I felt so bad I went out for a 58 minute bike ride. It helped, but didn't erase the damage. I got to stop this crazy eating! It is so difficult when I am at parties, parties that have really good food. I have a two more parties coming up. This is going to be a challenge for me. I hate not knowing for sure what I am eating. I track it like a hawk. I am so deathly afraid of going back to what I was. The person who couldn't walk anymore, that would eat and eat and eat.... the person that had no life except sitting on the couch or at the computer all day. I am truly scared of that. I don't want to go back to "jail." So, this month I set a goal for myself. It is a tough one, but I am going to do it. There is a park called, "Indian Point" that has a walking trail, and then a massive amount of stairs. I want to do the trail, get to the stairs, walk down them, then back up them, and the trail to go back to the car. Last time I was there, I did most of the trail and it about killed me...without the stairs. I have to do this. I need to do this. I have not done this since 1996-1997. If I am at the weight I was then, I should be able to do it. It was rough for me back then, but I did it! We are also suppose to go to the zoo this month. A friend is treating us because she and her family want us to go. That was one of my goals for this summer, was to go and actually walk the whole thing and enjoy myself. Last time I was there, I spent 80% of my time sitting down because I could not walk. I want to really have a good time and experience the zoo instead of sitting watching others do their thing. I want to do my thing! lol Anyway, that is where I am right now. I would update you on my weight, but I truthfully do not really know where I am right now. I am assuming I am still losing. (even with those two eating days from hell) Take care and I hope you all are doing well.

Goals & More Goals

Hi all you out there in blog land! I finally decided to write in here again. Been a while! Anyway, thought that I would do a little reflecting and updating. Well, I was paging through my older posts and came across the one written on April 13, 2013. I saw that I had some goals set. This is what it read: ------------------------------------------------ My summer goals are: 1. Go to Waldameer and actually be able to ride the rides (Maybe next year, but one can hope!) 2. Go to the zoo with my family and actually ENJOY it and not sit out most of it like the last time. 3. Ride Presque Isle on my bike. (Loooooong ride, but I want to give it a try and see if I can do it!) 4. Be one or two sizes smaller!!! My end of the year goals? 1. JEANS!!!!!! 2. Size 18 would be awesome, smaller would be dreamy! However, I will take ANY smaller size.. lol 3. Be able to sit behind the wheel in my husband's truck and drive it! 4. Be in the 200's. (even if it is 299... still counts!) ------------------------------------------------- Well, I have hit some of these goals. Some are in the making, but I think I will knock them out of the park. These are the goals I have hit: 1. I am now officially down 2 sizes. I started out with 4-5X tops, 5-6X pants. My shirts are now 2-3X. Pants, not sure quite yet cause I have not tried anything smaller. I DID however have a wonderful NSV (Non-scale victory)! A friend of mine had a pair of jeans that I asked if I could try on. The last time I tried on a pair of jeans, I was in the store called "Catherine's" and had the largest size they make..... 38 in my hands, in hopes that they would fit. I remember being in the dressing room and I had tried them on. They didn't button... not even close. I dropped them on the floor, put my pants on, and left crying. Well, the pants she had were size 38. (Talk about flash back) Anyway, I went into her bathroom to try them on. I anticipated that they would not fit.... counting on them not to fit. Well, I was right....... they didn't fit. THEY WERE TOO BIG! I buttoned them and was able to take them off without unbuttoning them. OMG... I cried so hard. I finally was able to get those 38 pants on! We are guessing I am around a 34 now. 2. Planning on the bike ride at Presque Isle!!! Been biking here and there getting ourselves ready for it :) So, this is a goal in the making. 3. I can get behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but is still a little difficult to steer. Not too much longer though! 4. The zoo or Waldameer thing... may have to pick just one of those since finances are not on our side at the moment. So, it will be one or the other. Thinking zoo :) 5. I am now 338 pounds. 38 more pounds until my year end goal of getting in the 200s! I never thought that I would ever be this close to 200 again!!! My total weight loss is 130 pounds!!!! I lost a complete person off my back... that person was the one that was holding me down all this time.... and I was letting them! Not anymore! Now that person can take her sister with her! hahahaha. I have about 120-130 left to go. So yeah, one more person to lose :) All in all, I am actually proud of myself. Someone that could not walk in a store can now walk a mile on a track. Someone that could not put on their own shoes is now putting them on and taking off! So many changes. I was talking to some friends this evening and I realized that I will be able to PARTICIPATE in taking our daughter trick or treating. I have always drove it, and followed.... I CAN WALK IT NOW :) Gets me so emotional thinking about it. Another NSV for me today. I mowed the whole yard!!!! Took me 20 minutes, but I DID IT! Couldn't do that a year ago to save my life! I have had good days and bad days, but I try not to let it get me down. Sure, I get down once in a while... but I don't stay there. I am done with the depression that has been ruling my life. Tired of food running my life. MY LIFE... and I am the one in control. Nothing is going to take that away from me again if I can say anything about it. Not anyone, not any food, and no more being depressed. Done with it. Time for living and I am so ready for this warmer weather! I hope you all are happy, healthy, and taking care of yourselves! Toodles!

Not Much to Say, but I am Going Talk Anyway....

Hello blogland, I am sitting here, feeling as if I could sleep another ten years. Daughter is off to school and husband will soon be off to dreamland. (I hate thirds, just saying) According to my scale, I made my May goal, 350 pounds! A part of me is excited, yet, worried that my scale is wrong...lol I know I have lost a lot of weight. People notice when they see me. Still have not gone shopping for new clothes. I got one shirt if that counts. haha. Went to a birthday party the other day and I actually allowed a picture to be taken of me. When I saw it, I about cried. I look different. I almost didn't believe the picture was accurate. I looked smaller! I still have my belly, and the belly still sticks out, but not as bad as it did. I actually see my lap now! When holding my daughter, she always sat on my belly because I had no lap. She sits on my lap now. Not completely uncovered, but getting there. I have been doing a 30 day challenge of workouts. I am not going to lie, I have to argue with myself to do them. They are SO much work for me to do. Hence, why they call them "work" outs. It is beginner level, too. My body feels it, let me tell you. Been feeling it in my stomach muscles when I bend over. My stomach feels strained. Not digging that feeling too much. I know that they are helping me though... because of that strain. Working muscles that are not used to being worked is a good thing... right? Anyway, enough rambling about that. I am trying to think of goals for June. I am thinking 330 is a good one. Seems as if I am losing roughly 20 a month, so that is not too far out there. I want to set other goals for myself, other than just involving weight. I want to do at least one fun thing that costs money with the family.... zoo, boat ride (Daughter has been really on us about that), Niagara Falls, etc. So many times we don't do things because it costs money. Once a month should not kill us to do. I thrive on family time and now that I am actually able to enjoy it, participate in it, I want to do it. Feel bad because we had to cancel our trip this weekend to a zoo that is two hours away. The forecast has been saying all week that there are going to be thunderstorms. Awful lot of money to throw away if it is rained out. Trying to think of something else we can do. I am thinking taking the little one to a splash park, since it is going to be hot. Those are free. If it starts to look ugly out, it won't be nearly as big of a deal. Gosh... that reminds me. I need a new bathing suit! I am sure that the one I have is too big now. Don't want anything peeking out that shouldn't be. *blank stare* OK.. I am going to close for now. I am starting to get more sleepy from my morning medication. Don't want to say something really crazy like I chew socks or something (I don't... just being silly.. lol) Take care all and have a great weekend!!!!!!

Oh My God!

That is one heck of a way to greet me after not seeing me for a year... you know what? I ate it up. Every.... single.... word. Saw my niece today. Have not seen her in a year. She had asked me to do a photo shoot for her and her daughter, and I did it. Oh my goodness, how much easier it was for me to maneuver! I was climbing small hills, walking along the river bank, squatting, sitting on the ground, etc. The last time I did a shoot, I was not getting around that well and took a cut in pay (my idea) because it was taking more time than a normal shoot. But her face when I got out of the van.... "Oh my god! You look good!" I asked her if she could see a difference and she said, "Yeah I can! Big difference. I can tell you lost a lot of weight." When I told her I was now down 115 pounds, her mouth dropped. Told her I still have around 130ish to go, one day at a time. Also, I showed her how my clothing is fitting me. A shirt that I wore on the photo shoot before I lost the weight, was kind of tight..... it is rather loose now. FINALLY my belly is starting to go away. I am so happy! Oh my god!!!! :D

Time to Shop

Hello blog land. Been busy the last few days with this and that. My body is telling me that I have really been working it, which is good! I signed up for a 30 day internet challenge for workouts. Let me tell you what....some of those exercises really bring reality head on. I am so weak! Leg strength, I have all day long. Abs, arms, etc. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I even went and got a set of 3 pound dumb bells to help along with this work out challenge. Today is day 11, day of rest....thank goodness! My arms are still sore from yesterday's venture. They are beginner, low impact workouts and it makes me feel like this. Well, with all the bike riding, working out, and watching my calorie intake....I finally, FINALLY see I need clothes that FIT! We stopped at McDonald's yesterday because my bladder could not take it anymore..haha. I looked in the mirror and my clothes hang on me. I mean HANG. I could fit Abby in with me, that is how much room I have. My shorts I had on, I have them as tight as they will go. They are pull string waist, and the strings hand down almost to my knees! Looks more like a skirt! haha. I had put on a pair of my underwear that I used to wear... oh my goodness. I need a pillow to stick between my butt and the seat of the underwear, otherwise they just hang there, exposing my butt! So not kidding! I think it is time to get rid of them for sure! However, I feel leery about getting rid of the clothes. I am not quite sure if it is fear of needing it again, fear of not fitting smaller clothes, I don't know. I know it is a mental thing going on. I feel safe in the bigger clothes, like I am hidden. I don't know how to explain it. I have to figure it out. I do plan on hitting yard sales for more clothing. So weird not to try to find 4 or 5 X. The largest pair of pants I have in my closet is size 6X. I can't wear them anymore. The legs are all ballooned and they about fall off of me....yet, I hang on to them. WHY? Is it a hoarding issue? lol I must admit, the shirts are going to be difficult to get rid of because I LOVE loose fitting shirts in the first place. It was pretty difficult to find one at the size I was... but now, ALL my shirts are loose. I suppose it won't hurt to keep some of my favorites and part with ones I do not wear as much. Just feels so weird. I don't really own anything that fits right. Heck, my nightgowns are huge on me. I have one that I will probably have to part with, which is a 5-6X. It keeps falling off my shoulders. I wake up to my "girls" outside of the stupid thing in the morning sometimes. Not cool when you have a little girl that comes in at times to greet you in the morning. haha. I just have to realize that I am not that big, even though mentally I still am. I have about reached my end of May goal :) My goal was to be 350 pounds before the end of May (Was hoping before my daughter's birthday, which is only a few days away). Monday, my weight was 353. I am SO close! I hope I can get it. Then, I will have to create a new goal for June. Maybe 335 before the end of June. Gosh, that seems so unreal! I am getting closer and closer to being in the 200's.... omg, I will cry like a little baby the day that scale reads 299 or under. You have no idea how that will impact me. I have not been in the 200's since high school. I can't wait!!! haha. I know I am rambling... hope I am not boring you guys to death. I know I talk a lot about my weight loss, but it has become such a big part of my every day life. I don't regret it for one minute. Every struggle, every challenge, every pain has been damn worth it. With each baby step, I am getting closer to the finish line. I may be the tortoise getting there, but remember the tortoise won that race, not the hare.

"I'm Surprised I'm Not Fat...I'm Lazy Too."

Yesterday was a pretty good day... for the most part. Started off a little stressful, but ended up good. Got to visit a good friend and her family, whom I have not seen in a while. I was eating up all the compliments of my weight loss. Heck yeah! lol Makes you feel good when your hard work is noticed. If you have something good to say about my weight, carry on! I will listen! LOL I actually got to walk with my friend through her wooded area at her home. It was super! I have never been able to do it before. She was happy that I was able to. So was I! If I were told last year that I would be able to do all the stuff that I have been doing, I would have said someone was full of shit. I am simply amazed at myself. If that sounds weird, well so be it. Not the first time I have been weird... ha. After we left her house, we hit the bike trail. Got to a detour and had to take it to get the rest of the trail. Oh my god..... that incline about killed me. It was nice coming back though... coasted down it with no peddling.. haha. My legs felt like rubber. That and the fact we were on the trail for 3 hours, 10 minutes. Went 14.59 miles! My ass was kicked and I was super sore. Me and Ben Gay had a date for the evening. On the trail, we took a rest at a rest area and we ran across this young guy named Cody. He was a little odd, but a friendly sort. He was on his way out of town via the bike trail. He had about 5 more hours to go before reaching his destination. I told him I was still getting used to riding, that I had only been riding this last year because I was out of shape. Then we got on the subject of weight. I told him I had lost a lot of weight, had more to go, but was determined I was going to do it. He patted his belly and said, "I'm surprised I'm not fat cause I'm lazy too. I sit around and eat potato chips." I looked at him. Lazy? ME? LAZY!?!? At first, I thought.. "You butthole." Then, I realized he may have had a point. I AM a lazy person. I think that played a part of my weight gain, but not the whole problem. Eating, depression, laziness, etc.... all played a role in it. Hand in hand led me to 468 pounds. So, I guess he wasn't an butthole. lol

468...How Does That Happen?

How does one end up being 468 pounds? I had asked myself that question on numerous occasions. It is more than liking food. Heck, a lot of people enjoy food, but a lot of people do not end up 468 pounds. It is more than that.... much deeper than that. It is only a symptom of the problem, not the total problem. How does one end up morbidly obese? One word sums it up.... pain. I didn't realize it until I looked long and hard at my life, what went wrong. I was 92 pounds when I was in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! How does a child get that big at such a young age? Genetics? Maybe. I think it might stem from something else. Although I do not remember exactly when my poor eating habits began, but I do remember exactly what happened when I was 5, right before going into kindergarten. An older teenage boy, who was a neighbor and my mom's friend's son, molested me twice. I had NO idea what was going on, why he wanted me to do the things he was having me do, I was completely oblivious. I remember almost every detail. I remember what went through my mind when he exposed himself to me. As ridiculous as it sounds, it didn't even register that it was a part of his body. I had never seen anything like that before and was completely clueless. Even after it happened I was clueless. It wasn't until later on in life that I truly understood what had happened. Even though I had the innocence of a child, I was still uncomfortable. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know what. Unfortunately, this was not going to be the only time that something like this happens to me. Again when I was 10 until I was 11 by my cousin, and then at 18 by a boyfriend I had. The first incident really didn't affect me until it happened again with my cousin when I was 10. It sent me into a complete tail spin. My parents marriage was already very rocky, there was a lot of stress in the house since my cousin ended up staying with us, and then this happened. When I finally got brave and told my mother, I was told to keep it secret from my father, because he was already starting to have health issues. She got him placed into foster care since he was a minor. I had to go on with life as if nothing happened.... although there was no way I possibly could. I started flunking in school, started to stay more to myself, and I started eating...and eating a lot. I was starting to have anxiety issues, to the point that just the very thought of going to school was making me sick. When I stayed home, I ate and ate. Example, I would eat 8 pieces of toast smothered in butter in one sitting. I would make a box of macaroni and cheese and eat it in one sitting. Once an active child, all I wanted to do was sit around and eat. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was 194 pounds. 1987 was one of the worst years of my entire life. My one friend I had since we were babies moved out of state, my other best friend was killed in an accident, and then my dad had a massive heart attack that left him 1/3 of his heart to live on. Loss after loss after loss. Although my dad didn't die, he was never the same again and his bad tempter got MUCH worse. I picked up smoking. Was easy to do since my parents were smokers. It wasn't until July 20, 1987 that my mom found out I smoked. Instead of getting me to quit, she would supply my newly found addiction. At the time I thought she was cool, now I just do not know what was going through her head as to why she would go along with it. I am thinking because she was mentally weak due to all the mental abuse from my dad. He was vicious at times with his words. He had the ability to break you down with the things he said. I loved him, yet, I could not stand him a lot of the time. Just so much to deal with. A year later, I started drinking. I was still doing horribly in school and I was still eating any chance that I got. By the time I was in the 9th grade, 3 months into it I was expelled for missing too many days. I never returned to school. 1993 is another awful year. Struggling taking care of my father, who's health was deteriorating more and more as the days went on, wondering how he was still alive. I had made some bad choice and ended up with a loser who ended up taking advantage of me. My mother was stricken with multiple sclerosis. My life as I knew it was turning upside down. Although I was used to helping my mom to take care of my dad, I ended up taking care of both of them. I was a nurse, a mother, and rarely the child in the equation. By this time, I had friends that I would escape with and they would always treat me out to eat. So now, I was eating out a lot on top of eating a lot when I was at home. I weighed 350 pounds. As time went on, there was a ray of sunlight in my life.... my husband. One of the best things that has ever happened to me. Saw me through a lot, helped me face the demons of being raped, I quit smoking & drinking, and I was trying my best to live a good life in spite of everything falling apart around me. 1996 we were married. We decided it was best to remain living with my parents because I feared they would not be able to survive on their own due to their health. 3 years later, my dad passed away. I was saddened, yet relieved. My mom no longer had to tolerate the abuse. I honestly do not know why she stayed with him. She said she loved him, but I really don't know why? Maybe the same reason I loved him, because he was something to me... he was my dad. He was her husband. For the first time in a very long time, my mom was starting to turn around. She had went from someone that took care of herself, to someone who honestly didn't give a shit. She was starting to care again, which made me happy. Of course, we took her out to eat... A LOT. 2002, my mom passed away from uterine cancer. I felt SO lost. I felt orphaned. My husband and I really struggled for a year after her death because neither one of us had ever been on our own and we were thrown into the role with little to no warning. It was a huge adjustment. We never really ate a home... always ate out. What was the point of cooking for two? At least, that was what we thought. Fast forward to 2006. 10 years of marriage, never been pregnant. Was told I couldn't get pregnant, mainly due to my size. So, we never gave it a thought...... until June 6, 2006 when I went to the doctor. I was not feeling well and was scared that something horrible was wrong....afraid that I may have had what my mother had. Went for an ultrasound and found out I was 7 months pregnant. (No lie) However, the ultrasound showed that something was terribly wrong. August 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, only to lose her 14 1/2 hours later. Her kidneys didn't work and her lungs never developed. This was the most tragic thing that ever happened to me. I blamed myself for losing her. If only I had known, although there was no real way of knowing. It was normal for me not to have periods for months on end, was told I couldn't get pregnant, so I wasn't looking for it. I thought it was impossible. I felt as if life was a big, cruel joke. I simply didn't care about much. I did a lot of reading and learned that the best time to get pregnant was after you have given birth, within 3 months or so. I knew I could get pregnant and we decided to go for it. November 2006 I found out I was pregnant. At my 16 week check up, we learned that our baby girl had a heart defect, and possibly had downs. I was scared. By this time, I was also on bed rest because I was showing signs of toxemia. Bed rest on top of my eating habits was a really bad combination. My weight by now was 410. May 2007 they had to deliver our daughter by c-section. I was only 30 weeks along, which made her a preemie. Not only were we facing the fact that she needed heart surgery, but she was also premature. After a 3 month stay at the hospital, she was able to come home. However, I was limited to how much she could go out, which made me a more of a hermit, not getting out and moving about. I would stay home and eat. December of 2007 was time for her heart surgery. I never been more scared in my life. She did very well and she had a new lease on life. (She is still doing great!) However, with all the stress, all the staying home, all the not doing anything really caught up with me. I began having difficulty walking, doing minimal things around the house. I was in complete denial that it was my weight causing the issue. 2008 or 2009 (Can not remember exactly) I ended up in the ER. When they had me step on the scale, I about had a heart attack on the spot. It read... 468 pounds. I almost started crying. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pretended as if it never happened. At this point, I did not care what I ate, how much I ate, how many times I ate. I ate and I ate. I had accepted that I was fat, was going to be fat, nothing I could do about it, so might as well enjoy whatever I want. 2012 I had a doctor tell me that I was too far gone to diet. That only confirmed my way of thinking and from the office I went straight to the buffet. I DID NOT CARE. So, what made me start to care? My daughter. It didn't really hit me until my daughter wanted to do things with me and I couldn't do them. She wanted me to play on the playground, go for walks, ride a bike... I simply could not do it. When I saw how much she desired for me to be a part of her life, I felt that I had to do something. I had tried to diet, failed. Tried again.... failed. What was I doing wrong? Then it dawned on me. I needed to address how I got to 468 in the first place. All the pain I had tucked away from all the things that happened in my life... I needed to face them head on. It was 2012 after the death of my cousin (not the one who hurt me). She had committed suicide. It was the straw that broke my back. I mentally crashed. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to fight my way back up if that makes any sense. I would spend a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.... my life, my childhood, the losses I had suffered. Sometimes, sitting here crying. I had to let the pain go. I was able to "release" my first daughter and say good bye to her. I had to admit that my dad was abusive and I had ugly feelings toward him. I had always spoke highly of him because I was in complete denial of how he was. I had to forgive my cousin (not tell him, just in my heart) so I could make peace with what happened. Same with the teenage neighbor and my ex boyfriend. I had to admit to mistakes that have been haunting me and apologize for them, which I did. I needed to finally believe that I was worth the fight, that I was worth trying to save. My husband and my daughter NEEDED me. For a long time I had convinced myself they didn't need me, was better off without me. I had to do this. If not, I would try to diet and fail over and over because it was never a food issue..... it was a mental one! Food was a comfort. It was make me feel whole, gave me pleasure in its taste, numbed the pain or anxiety I had felt. Because of the "feel good factor" I became a food addict. I would eat when I was bored, even if I wasn't hungry. I would eat large amounts of food at a time. I would eat simply because! It was my way of making reality go away so I didn't have to deal with it... just for that time. Do I still struggle with urges to eat when upset? You bet I do! What do I do instead? I talk about what is bothering me. I face it and deal with it to the best of my ability. I have become so much stronger once I had this revelation. I no longer run to the fridge, or to the cupboard. I used to celebrate with food... all occasions! Why? Because food was a FEEL GOOD FACTOR! It just makes so much sense to me now. Yes, this blog is pretty long winded. This is actually the 5th time I sat down to write it. So many painful memories. BUT, it does help to face them, share them, talk about them.... because it is when you hold it in that it hurts the most and will eventually hurt you in one way or another. So when you see an obese person, before passing judgement that they are lazy, that they eat too much, think and know... more than likely, they are in pain and just trying their damnedest to make it go away... at least for a little while. No one (at least in their right mind) sets out to be 468 pounds.