Down to the Brass Tacks.....

Well, I had my first real test. The test to see just how determined I am to remain faithful to my journey. As some of you know, when it comes to stress & food addiction....it can be a very bad combination. We had learned on August 5th, that my husband's father had passed away.....on July 26th. Missed saying goodbye, missed the funeral, everything. Their relationship was never the best, but they did care for each other. He was pretty upset that he was left out and not included.... especially the obituary. Needless to say, there was a high amount of stress in the house, on top of the other stresses we were having. Money is and has always been the root of stress for us. Lack of it really sucks, especially when situations such as these occur and you are pressed to find ways to get it. We needed to make a 4 hour trip where his father lived and find out what happened, and speak with the step mother as to why my husband was kept in the dark. In order to go, I sold one of my grandmother's rings. It hurt me to do it, but would hurt me more if my husband did not find some sort of peace, some sort of closure. His truck, just days before all this, was having transmission issues. The reverse was not wanting to work. Would slip and shake the truck and not want to move. Would only move slowly. Can not find a used transmission in any junk yard... and then when was located, they wanted 500 dollars for it. To rebuild it, even if we pull it ourselves and hand it to them, would be 1,300. We simply do not have that kind of money. So, with the money I got from the ring, we got a filter and some fluid and some stuff to help stop slipping and cleans the transmission from anything that may be gummed up. Hopefully, that will do the trick, but not holding my breath. So...... the next day after we found out my father in law passed.... was the bad day. Stressed, emotional, didn't care... so I ate. I ate what I wanted. I craved, I bought, I ate. By the night's end, I was at 2,104 calories for the day. That really is not bad, but for someone that is used to staying at 1600 or less, that was bad. The following day, I had a diet coke. I have not touched on in almost 2 months. It is OK though, cause I thought it was the shittiest tasting stuff created by mankind. I don't think you have to worry about me drinking it again. lol I ate really poorly, but we were on the road. Even though the choices were poor, my calorie count was only 1347. Good... but bad. However, I definitely proved something to myself. I truly got this journey. I GOT IT!!! Cause the old me, would have went insane with food. I didn't. I strayed some, yes, but I did not overindulge. All these stresses, worried about how to pay this and that, and plus what I had mentioned already..... this would have sent me so off the deep end, but I am still here, still doing my journey, and I am still happy even though things are so gloom right now. What people have to realize when they take on a weight loss journey. It is not just the weight of the fat you need to lose... you need to lose the emotional baggage, lose the negativity, and you will be like a hot air balloon. Once the last sand bag is removed, watch you just glide in the sky to admire the beauty this world has.

Another One Bites the Dust....

Well, I did it. It about killed me, but I did it. I did Indian Point. I did the trail and the stairs just like I had set out to do. I needed to do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could. Going down was not as difficult as going back up. Going up, I almost did not make it. At one point, I got super sick to my stomach and dizzy along with some shortness of breath. It was bad, but at least I finished what I set out to do. It shows me that I am not where I want to be just yet, but I am definitely on the right path of getting there :) Didn't go to the zoo this month as anticipated, but we will go eventually. There was a change of plans that was beyond our control. However, we do have a plan in the making for another goal I had in mind for this summer. Presque Isle bike trail. It is a loop that is approximately 13 miles. We plan on going there, packing a lunch, riding to the midway point for a picnic, then returning to our vehicle. I have done over 14 miles before, it takes me about 3 hours, so I know what I am in for. I was sore from the last long trip, but there were hills and such that presque isle does not have. *Should* be easier than the last long trip. It is all flat land. I am excited but also very nervous. I want to be able to do it. Even though (to me) it seems like I have not lost all that much this month, I feel that I have gained some stamina, some strength, and some more mobility. I am still sore from Indian Point...haha. It is a good sore though. I worked muscles that have not been worked, so that is good :) I want to try to not focus so much on what the scale says.... especially mine. haha. It is so fickle at times and I do not want to get discouraged on my journey. I do not want the scale to be the only reflection of my hard work. The scale does not tell you of all the accomplishments you have made nor does it tell you all the victories you have won. I have learned that along the way with my journey. I am looking forward to doing more things. I have such a desire to enjoy life since I had been watching it go by for so many years. You know that one poem about the "dash" that is between your birth date and death date on a gravestone? I want that dash to represent happiness and a full life.... a life that was well lived, not just existence. I want to be able to make that dash be as long as I can.

Goals Are Met- Goals Are Set - Let's Do This Thing!

Even though I have had quite a few ups and downs this month, one thing for sure. I know I have lost more weight. One of my goals to meet was to be able to not only sit behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but to drive it. I couldn't fit behind the wheel.... I was too dang fat! A few months ago I tried, I could get in, but the wheel but into my stomach pretty bad. Well, yesterday I took the truck out for a spin! The wheel barely brushes my tummy now. That made my day! I was so happy to finally reach that goal.

Now, onto a goals that are going to be met this month. We are going to a zoo, and I am going to walk it, and I am going to have fun with my family! It is SO nice to be able to walk now. I still get pain from my back, but that is a given. Pain meds and back patches will take care of that mess.. haha.

I set a goal for myself after reading someone else's post. I think I am going to conquer one of my "fears" or shall I say, "Oh hell no" things. There is this park called, "Indian Point" that we love. There is a trail and the "hell no" part... a large flight of stairs....... oh yes, that is my goal. I am going to do the trail, and I am going to do the stairs that take you down to the river. It is not a short flight of stairs by any means. It was rough when I did them clear back in 1997-98. I was the same size as I am now. (Weight wise, not shaped the same... not sure how that works, but it is what it is) I am going to do this before the month is over with. Here is a map so you can see the trail & the stairs:

http://www.lakemetroparks.com/select-park/documents/IndianPointTrailMap0606.pdf

I need to do this. I have to. I need to face fears head on and take them out. I can not be afraid that I can't do this or that... I have to just jump in and do it. I think I am more than ready for this challenge since I can walk a mile, ride my bike for miles, etc. Here is a picture of the stairs :) Gets the nerves up seeing the picture, but I can do this.

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4084/5045452058_fa435bf7b5_z.jpg

Here is a video of the park:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwv5h7je-Ic

I Want to Smash All Scales

I have come to the conclusion that I can not trust scales to tell me the truth about my weight. No matter what I do, no matter what scale, I do not get an accurate reading to save my life. No wonder there are some people that do not even monitor their weight by the numbers... it can be very discouraging and down right frustrating! I just want to smash the little f'ers to bits! Today was another party... make that TWO parties. Of course, wonderful food was to be had at both places. I tried to be good.... but landed myself in the 2500 calorie intake again today. 3 time this month! I am not used to eating over 1400, especially THAT much. I have got to get a grip on this shit or I am going to gain every ounce that I lost back again and then some. I do NOT want to return from where I once came. Screw that. I am just starting to gain my life back and I will be damned if I am handing it back over to my addiction. My food addiction has stole so much from me... take that back... I ALLOWED it to steal so much from me, there is no way I am letting it get away with that again. Forget that noise. I have got to really get a hold of this before I spiral out of control again. More discipline and less allowance to eat this and that. With every allowance, old habits are wanting to creep their way back and I can not have that! I was killing myself before, I am not done living and I am enjoying that I CAN live. I guess in a way this is a pep talk to myself, but man, I have got to get a grip here. I mean, I know that by no means I am as bad as I was with food, even on my worst day as of late... but I have to protect myself from a grave error. You know how there are some people that use others. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile? Yeah. Addiction is the same way. It uses you to fulfil what it desires. If you give it a little taste of something it has been wanting, knowing it is not good, it will run with it and before you know it a bite of pleasure turns into a plate of guilt. I guess I need to put my foot down with myself and get back on track! As far as I know, I am still losing, not gaining. Again, the accuracy of the scale I am having serious issues with. It bothers me because I would truly like to continue keeping track, but the stupid ass thing keeps telling me something different every time I step on it. (within 5 minutes or less of each time mind you) Anyway, I am going to go. I am quite sleepy. Had a long day full of parties, people, and food. I need to wind down and start over tomorrow. Have a good night <3 Toodles!

It is what it is.....

Well hello my blogging friends. Been a while so I thought that I would drop a few lines. Had some aggravations, some disappointing moments, and a couple of oopsies so far this month, but still doing my thing. Let's start off with my lovely scale. Let's just say I would love to take a large sledge hammer and see what is inside it. I am thinking some little troll is in there, trying to make me miserable. Well, back in June I was at a friend's house and attempted to step on her scale. MY scale said I was 338.... hers said I was 368! I was like, what.... the..... fuuuuuuuu..... Of course, I thought maybe her scale was off and kinda brushed it off. Wasn't until I went to another friend's house on July 4. Stepped on her scale, which they swear is accurate because it is the same as a freight scale, said that I weighed 358. *Blank stare* By this time, I had a hunch that my other friend's scale had been right. I was upset, but didn't show it because I didn't want to be "Debbie Downer". I brushed it off and said, "Either way, it is still over 100 pounds I have lost." Well, it wasn't until I got home and decided to chat with my online friends (who are also on a weight loss journey) that I broke down and sobbed. I didn't know whether to shut the laptop and run to my room, or tough it out and try to stop crying. They encouraged me and made me feel better....even though in some ways, it still bothered me. So, a few days ago, I stepped on my friend's scale (the original one that I had stepped on before) and it said I weighed 353. Still not as low as I thought I had been all this time, but proof that my weight is still going down anyway. So, that means I did not hit my May goal....even though my scale said I did. :( That had me bummed. SO, by the end of this month, I want to be 350 or less. My scale is so messed up, I am not even sure if I want to use it. I have tried and get different readings all the time. I give up on that friggin thing. So, not only was it confirmed on July 4 that my weight was 20 pounds more than I had thought..... but my eating was a little overboard. I was doing 1400 calories at the time.... I ate 2002. First time I had gone over 2000 since I started this back in January. Then, July 14 was another bad eating day for me.... was over 2,500! I felt so bad I went out for a 58 minute bike ride. It helped, but didn't erase the damage. I got to stop this crazy eating! It is so difficult when I am at parties, parties that have really good food. I have a two more parties coming up. This is going to be a challenge for me. I hate not knowing for sure what I am eating. I track it like a hawk. I am so deathly afraid of going back to what I was. The person who couldn't walk anymore, that would eat and eat and eat.... the person that had no life except sitting on the couch or at the computer all day. I am truly scared of that. I don't want to go back to "jail." So, this month I set a goal for myself. It is a tough one, but I am going to do it. There is a park called, "Indian Point" that has a walking trail, and then a massive amount of stairs. I want to do the trail, get to the stairs, walk down them, then back up them, and the trail to go back to the car. Last time I was there, I did most of the trail and it about killed me...without the stairs. I have to do this. I need to do this. I have not done this since 1996-1997. If I am at the weight I was then, I should be able to do it. It was rough for me back then, but I did it! We are also suppose to go to the zoo this month. A friend is treating us because she and her family want us to go. That was one of my goals for this summer, was to go and actually walk the whole thing and enjoy myself. Last time I was there, I spent 80% of my time sitting down because I could not walk. I want to really have a good time and experience the zoo instead of sitting watching others do their thing. I want to do my thing! lol Anyway, that is where I am right now. I would update you on my weight, but I truthfully do not really know where I am right now. I am assuming I am still losing. (even with those two eating days from hell) Take care and I hope you all are doing well.

Goals & More Goals

Hi all you out there in blog land! I finally decided to write in here again. Been a while! Anyway, thought that I would do a little reflecting and updating. Well, I was paging through my older posts and came across the one written on April 13, 2013. I saw that I had some goals set. This is what it read: ------------------------------------------------ My summer goals are: 1. Go to Waldameer and actually be able to ride the rides (Maybe next year, but one can hope!) 2. Go to the zoo with my family and actually ENJOY it and not sit out most of it like the last time. 3. Ride Presque Isle on my bike. (Loooooong ride, but I want to give it a try and see if I can do it!) 4. Be one or two sizes smaller!!! My end of the year goals? 1. JEANS!!!!!! 2. Size 18 would be awesome, smaller would be dreamy! However, I will take ANY smaller size.. lol 3. Be able to sit behind the wheel in my husband's truck and drive it! 4. Be in the 200's. (even if it is 299... still counts!) ------------------------------------------------- Well, I have hit some of these goals. Some are in the making, but I think I will knock them out of the park. These are the goals I have hit: 1. I am now officially down 2 sizes. I started out with 4-5X tops, 5-6X pants. My shirts are now 2-3X. Pants, not sure quite yet cause I have not tried anything smaller. I DID however have a wonderful NSV (Non-scale victory)! A friend of mine had a pair of jeans that I asked if I could try on. The last time I tried on a pair of jeans, I was in the store called "Catherine's" and had the largest size they make..... 38 in my hands, in hopes that they would fit. I remember being in the dressing room and I had tried them on. They didn't button... not even close. I dropped them on the floor, put my pants on, and left crying. Well, the pants she had were size 38. (Talk about flash back) Anyway, I went into her bathroom to try them on. I anticipated that they would not fit.... counting on them not to fit. Well, I was right....... they didn't fit. THEY WERE TOO BIG! I buttoned them and was able to take them off without unbuttoning them. OMG... I cried so hard. I finally was able to get those 38 pants on! We are guessing I am around a 34 now. 2. Planning on the bike ride at Presque Isle!!! Been biking here and there getting ourselves ready for it :) So, this is a goal in the making. 3. I can get behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but is still a little difficult to steer. Not too much longer though! 4. The zoo or Waldameer thing... may have to pick just one of those since finances are not on our side at the moment. So, it will be one or the other. Thinking zoo :) 5. I am now 338 pounds. 38 more pounds until my year end goal of getting in the 200s! I never thought that I would ever be this close to 200 again!!! My total weight loss is 130 pounds!!!! I lost a complete person off my back... that person was the one that was holding me down all this time.... and I was letting them! Not anymore! Now that person can take her sister with her! hahahaha. I have about 120-130 left to go. So yeah, one more person to lose :) All in all, I am actually proud of myself. Someone that could not walk in a store can now walk a mile on a track. Someone that could not put on their own shoes is now putting them on and taking off! So many changes. I was talking to some friends this evening and I realized that I will be able to PARTICIPATE in taking our daughter trick or treating. I have always drove it, and followed.... I CAN WALK IT NOW :) Gets me so emotional thinking about it. Another NSV for me today. I mowed the whole yard!!!! Took me 20 minutes, but I DID IT! Couldn't do that a year ago to save my life! I have had good days and bad days, but I try not to let it get me down. Sure, I get down once in a while... but I don't stay there. I am done with the depression that has been ruling my life. Tired of food running my life. MY LIFE... and I am the one in control. Nothing is going to take that away from me again if I can say anything about it. Not anyone, not any food, and no more being depressed. Done with it. Time for living and I am so ready for this warmer weather! I hope you all are happy, healthy, and taking care of yourselves! Toodles!

Not Much to Say, but I am Going Talk Anyway....

Hello blogland, I am sitting here, feeling as if I could sleep another ten years. Daughter is off to school and husband will soon be off to dreamland. (I hate thirds, just saying) According to my scale, I made my May goal, 350 pounds! A part of me is excited, yet, worried that my scale is wrong...lol I know I have lost a lot of weight. People notice when they see me. Still have not gone shopping for new clothes. I got one shirt if that counts. haha. Went to a birthday party the other day and I actually allowed a picture to be taken of me. When I saw it, I about cried. I look different. I almost didn't believe the picture was accurate. I looked smaller! I still have my belly, and the belly still sticks out, but not as bad as it did. I actually see my lap now! When holding my daughter, she always sat on my belly because I had no lap. She sits on my lap now. Not completely uncovered, but getting there. I have been doing a 30 day challenge of workouts. I am not going to lie, I have to argue with myself to do them. They are SO much work for me to do. Hence, why they call them "work" outs. It is beginner level, too. My body feels it, let me tell you. Been feeling it in my stomach muscles when I bend over. My stomach feels strained. Not digging that feeling too much. I know that they are helping me though... because of that strain. Working muscles that are not used to being worked is a good thing... right? Anyway, enough rambling about that. I am trying to think of goals for June. I am thinking 330 is a good one. Seems as if I am losing roughly 20 a month, so that is not too far out there. I want to set other goals for myself, other than just involving weight. I want to do at least one fun thing that costs money with the family.... zoo, boat ride (Daughter has been really on us about that), Niagara Falls, etc. So many times we don't do things because it costs money. Once a month should not kill us to do. I thrive on family time and now that I am actually able to enjoy it, participate in it, I want to do it. Feel bad because we had to cancel our trip this weekend to a zoo that is two hours away. The forecast has been saying all week that there are going to be thunderstorms. Awful lot of money to throw away if it is rained out. Trying to think of something else we can do. I am thinking taking the little one to a splash park, since it is going to be hot. Those are free. If it starts to look ugly out, it won't be nearly as big of a deal. Gosh... that reminds me. I need a new bathing suit! I am sure that the one I have is too big now. Don't want anything peeking out that shouldn't be. *blank stare* OK.. I am going to close for now. I am starting to get more sleepy from my morning medication. Don't want to say something really crazy like I chew socks or something (I don't... just being silly.. lol) Take care all and have a great weekend!!!!!!