...and the journey continues.

Well, hello my poor, neglected blog. It has been a while...yet again! Anyway, thought that I would post a short update. Well, I started back on my journey as of May 1st. I figured it was time to get real and get this extra stuff off of my body, before I landed myself back at 468. My weigh in on May 1st was 390. WAY TOO CLOSE for my liking. I am happy to say, today, September 2, I weigh 354.8 pounds. It is coming off SO SLOW. Driving me nuts. I was steady losing 10 pounds a month up until August. Then.... the dreaded stall. I am not giving up. Not an option. I just have to adjust my eating and try some other things to shake things up a little bit. I did have a wonderful NSV last weekend. We took our girl to an amusement park. Of course, I was scared shitless that I would not going to fit most rides. I was pleasantly surprised that I fit most of the rides....including one of the roller coasters. I have not been on one in over 11 years because I did not fit them. It was my daughter's first time on a big roller coaster and I was able to share that moment with her. I cried when I got off the ride. I am sure people thought I got scared or something. Little did they know what kind of a victory I just had, and a moment I just shared with my daughter that I never thought would happen. Hate that summer is closing in on us. We did have our adventures. Went on a few bike rides...intend to do more. Hiking to caves, boardwalks with tons of stairs, fishing, swimming... a lot of swimming :) Just trying to live it up while the living is good. Hopefully, the next time I update this, I will have lost more weight. I want to get to where I was in 2013.... 337 was my lowest recorded weight. Once I get to 336, it will be like I am picking up where I left off. One day at a time, I will get there. Sometimes, I wished it was a lot quicker.... but gotta do it the healthy way. Anyway, toodles all. Thanks for reading...if anyone actually reads this anymore. haha!!

Biggest Fail

Well, it certainly has been a very long time since I have written anything on this poor, neglected blog. Well, truth be told.... my journey had come to a screeching halt because life was getting the better of me. I turned to the one thing that has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter who was in my life.....you guessed it. Food. I had gotten down to 337 pounds...was really getting my life on track. Some how, old habits crept in and I was eating anything and everything I wanted. With each bite of food, I could hear my inner person yelling at me, telling me that I was literally undoing everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I just simple did not care. Well, I finally had weighed myself near the end of April and I was 390. Yep, almost 60 pounds put back on. A part of me wanted to run to the nearest buffet and down all my sorrows into something that could make me forget the pain, at least for a moment. Something started to click. I was way too close to 400 again. 400 meant not putting on my own shoes, not being able to walk, needing help in the shower. 400 meant prison. There was no way I was going to allow myself to become a prisoner in my own body once again. So, I have been working on trying to get rid of this ugly, disgusting number. I am happy to say that right now, I am 377.4. Not the greatest number on the planet, but a hell of a lot better than 390. I wished that my back was more cooperative to what I want to do. My head thinks I can climb mountains, but my back reminds me that I can barely get around the block without sitting or needing the assistance of my walking stick. Nevertheless, at least I am moving, in spite of the pain my back dishes out. I have done this to myself and the only one that can save me....is me. I am the only one that can do anything about it. Sure, support is wonderful. I appreciate all the support I get. However, what it boils down to is that you are responsible for YOU. It is up to be to grab the bull by the horns and show this demon who is boss. Time for me to start living, once again. I am so tired of falling into the emotional trap that my mind likes to place me in. However, the biggest fail would be remaining in the trap and not looking for any means to get out.

Why, hello old blog of mine!

Man, it sure has been a long time. Shame on me. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. Update time! Well, I was on a roll with my weight loss and then I hit that road block... that emotional road block. I just snapped and didn't care anymore. Things were going on in my life that no one knew about... most still don't know. Was in a car accident that totaled our van. Ended up with a nice car afterward, but it was sure a struggle to get there. On top of that, I injured my back and it was as if I was 468 pounds all over again. Since I felt like I was 468 (because of being immobile) I started eating like I was 468. Trying to forget the physical and mental pain I was feeling. From December to beginning of June, I gained 49 pounds back that I had lost. When I saw I was 386, something in side of me just clicked. What the hell was I doing? Why was I doing this to myself? To my daughter? To my husband? I remembered how free I felt last year with all the weight I lost... how good I felt about myself. As I stood on that scale staring down a number that once was, I realized I was on the downward spiral and I had to find my way out of the hole I dug myself. So, mid-June, I decided enough of the pity party... get back on it and do it. I sit here now at 368. (doctor's scale said 364, but for the sake of keeping track, going to stick to my scale). I want to get back to 337 (last known accurate weight) and continue on my journey. I went to the doctor the other day for routine check up. I was scared out of my whits. I was so afraid that my horrible eating from December - beginning of June was going to really destroy everything that I had accomplished over the course of last year. Thankfully, I am in awesome shape! Blood sugar, cholesterol, both great! My liver enzymes that were all elevated last year, only one type is elevated now. I had a fatty liver and it is starting to heal itself. YAY! I am not as gun-ho as I was last year... not going to go crazy and extreme. I want to pace myself so that way it is a lifestyle that I will more than likely stick to. I have some goals set, and with any luck and determination, I will nail them. Here are my little ones. Goal 1: I wanted to hit 100 pounds lost again... and I did as of August 15. SCORE! Goal 2: I want to be able to walk a mile without sitting again. Hopefully, I will get there. My back makes it very difficult to do so. Bigger Goal 3: Be in the 200's before my birthday at the end of February. Meaning, losing 68 pounds in 6 months. I think that is pretty reasonable. Bigger Goal 4: Bike ride 10 miles at least before biking season is over. So.... simple and small goals for myself. I need to do this. I have to do this. My daughter is depending on me.

Challenges & Goals

Hello blog world, it is me the boring and not so entertaining ME. OK, enough of the lame. I did a challenge that I set for myself... and it was one I was not sure I was going to be able to do this year, but I did. It was unexpected, unplanned, but I think it was best to happen that way so I didn't have excuses. I know I had mentioned before about Nelson Ledges. It is a place that is loaded with caves, waterfalls, and beauty. Only thing, it is one heck of a hike and you have to climb up and down rocks and hills to get to different places in the park. I did it. Most of the time we did the more difficult trails, my husband helped our daughter so she was able to do it. A whole 60 minutes of it. I took pictures of my hike & climbing. Little did I know in one picture, I would capture a bear. I didn't know he/she was there when I took the picture. Didn't see it when I took the picture. Uploaded my picture to the computer and there it was..... a bear's nose. I was 10 feet away from this animal and had NO idea. Talk about a pee your pants moment, that was pretty close... haha. Would I go back there? You bet I would. I know that they sleep during the colder months, so that is when I will plan on going there again..haha. Before we went to Nelson's, I went to a place called "Chair Factory Falls" and walked and climbed hills. Was well worth it because the falls were gorgeous. Did 60 minutes of walking there, too! After there, we stopped at an old 1800's village and walked it for 60 minutes. So by the time I got to Nelson's, I was pretty tired and already worn out, but did it anyway. :) I was so proud of all the exercising I did that day. Here it is Wednesday and I am STILL sore from it! It is OK though, that means muscles were worked that needed to be worked. So, my next goal and challenge is the Kinzua Skywalk. It goes out 600 feet into a valley between mountains, and is roughly 250-300 feet in the air. It has a glass floor so you can see just how high up you really are. I am deathly afraid of heights. Petrified is probably a better term. One thing I have learned about this whole weight loss journey is that it is a year of facing fears and conquering them one by one. Fear is something that YOU make up. It doesn't exist until you conjure it up. So, with that being said, since I created this fear, I need to put it to death. Not only will I get great exercise doing this, but I believe it will help make me a stronger person. I have so many things I want to do, but fear gets in the way. I am strongly considering college, but fear again is really putting me in a vise. I have to mentally talk myself into doing it, just like I did when I started this journey. I have to give myself pep talks and talk myself into doing things. I know it probably sounds strange, but it is the honest to goodness truth. I have issues with failure. I hate to fail. So, in order to avoid failure, I do not even try. Think about it, that is a failure in itself! So, I know that I have plans, and I know I want to follow through with them, it is just a matter of getting myself prepped for it. My scale is being a dork again. I think it is telling me the truth, then I don't. The last time I was weighed, I was 341. Now my scale is saying between 330 and 335. Not exactly sure where I am at this point. I will just keep plugging along anyway. I must be doing something right if I am no longer 468, right? Some days are so much more difficult than others when it comes to food. This last week I have been hungry as if I am starving and I am not even sure why? A couple days this week I have gone over my count, even the day with all that walking and hiking. However, because of the exercise, I was under, but without the exercise, it would have been a disaster. I want to try to eat better when I can. When nearing a pay period, it can be difficult to do. We tend to go with what is cheap. I still for the most part stay under my calorie goal, but I hate eating processed stuff. I am trying to learn ways of veering away from it and trying other healthy alternatives. Anyway, this is my ramble for today. Hope you all are doing fabulous! Take care!

Long Overdue Update!

Been a coon's age since I updated this blog. Bad me. A lot has been going on but I wanted to share a few things with you guys! Well, I went to the doctor a short while ago. Nothing bad, just the routine check up. Had blood work, etc. Well, to see the doctor's face when she saw me was worth it all. She congratulated me on my weight loss so far and said I was looking good. I at least know my weight for sure, so I was able to fix my scale at home to read right :) On that day, I weighed 346, I now weigh 339 :) At least I am going in the right direction and I know my weight FOR SURE this time! She calculated how much weight I had lost and she was floored. Ahhhh.... but I have to tell you what the lab work said! I AM NO LONGER considered a diabetic. That's right, I beat it! :) My cholesterol is in excellent shape for once! Beat that! :) However, my liver enzymes were way abnormal. She thinks it is more than likely my gall bladder since it has been giving me trouble for a while now... or a fatty liver. I am suppose to have an ultrasound. Bad me again.... have yet to make that appointment. *sigh* I have also met a couple goals :) We road Presque Isle bike trail, which was 13.5 miles! That was one of my goals for this summer and I did it! It was so nice to have that experience. The last time I was there at the park, I could not even get to the monument because it was too much walking. This time, I rode around it and OWNED it! :) Not only that, last weekend my husband, daughter and I went on another bike ride on the bike trail and rode 22 miles!!!! I got this! :) Also went to a zoo with my family & friends :) Walked around and was able to enjoy myself. We were on our feet for hours! I didn't have to keep stopping and was able to thoroughly enjoy the experience. I have other goals in mind that I would like to achieve before the end of this year. 1. Get under 300 pounds. That is going to be a doozy. I need to lose 39 pounds in 3 months. That is going to take some work. I may not reach it, but I might be close! 2. Nelson Ledges Park. Rock climbing anyone? I won't be able to do the more difficult path because we will have our daughter with us, but the easier trails, I want to go back and do :) 3. Kinzua Skyway. Put it this way. This is another doozy. I am scared shitless of heights for one. The skyway is the old train bridge that used to span across the Alleghany River in the mountains. It was the highest train bridge in the states. Well, a tornado came through and ripped it in half, so now there is only MAYBE half of it left. They turned it into a skyway so you can walk out and see the beauty of the mountains and the valley. It is only 301 feet up in the air, that's all. *blank stare* 4. Get my house in pristine shape. As a lot of my friends know, I suck at housekeeping. Main reason was it was so difficult to get around to do anything in my home, so things would get a little crazy. Now that I am 129 pounds lighter, I am able to move about a lot better. Well, sometimes I still have the 468 pound mindset. This last week when my daughter is in school and husband is at work, I have been doing stuff around the house on a daily basis. Once caught up, I am going to make a schedule for me to keep. Such and such day I mop the kitchen and the bathroom. Such and such day I vacuum and dust all rooms. Such and such day I do the laundry. You get the idea. I want to be able to keep the household moving smoothly and have a nice neat home. Been getting rid of a lot of stuff lately and it isn't done! I will get it, I will! 5. Well, I was challenged to go out dancing before the year is up by another fellow weight loss buddy. I better get my butt out there and boogie soon! hahaha I have thought about college a lot lately. Wondering if I should go to college or go to work or both. However, I need to prove to myself that I can be active on a daily basis and handle it. I need to prove that I can get my house in shape before I take on something else. I think that is a smart choice. Well, there you have it in a nutshell. There is my update! lol

Down to the Brass Tacks.....

Well, I had my first real test. The test to see just how determined I am to remain faithful to my journey. As some of you know, when it comes to stress & food addiction....it can be a very bad combination. We had learned on August 5th, that my husband's father had passed away.....on July 26th. Missed saying goodbye, missed the funeral, everything. Their relationship was never the best, but they did care for each other. He was pretty upset that he was left out and not included.... especially the obituary. Needless to say, there was a high amount of stress in the house, on top of the other stresses we were having. Money is and has always been the root of stress for us. Lack of it really sucks, especially when situations such as these occur and you are pressed to find ways to get it. We needed to make a 4 hour trip where his father lived and find out what happened, and speak with the step mother as to why my husband was kept in the dark. In order to go, I sold one of my grandmother's rings. It hurt me to do it, but would hurt me more if my husband did not find some sort of peace, some sort of closure. His truck, just days before all this, was having transmission issues. The reverse was not wanting to work. Would slip and shake the truck and not want to move. Would only move slowly. Can not find a used transmission in any junk yard... and then when was located, they wanted 500 dollars for it. To rebuild it, even if we pull it ourselves and hand it to them, would be 1,300. We simply do not have that kind of money. So, with the money I got from the ring, we got a filter and some fluid and some stuff to help stop slipping and cleans the transmission from anything that may be gummed up. Hopefully, that will do the trick, but not holding my breath. So...... the next day after we found out my father in law passed.... was the bad day. Stressed, emotional, didn't care... so I ate. I ate what I wanted. I craved, I bought, I ate. By the night's end, I was at 2,104 calories for the day. That really is not bad, but for someone that is used to staying at 1600 or less, that was bad. The following day, I had a diet coke. I have not touched on in almost 2 months. It is OK though, cause I thought it was the shittiest tasting stuff created by mankind. I don't think you have to worry about me drinking it again. lol I ate really poorly, but we were on the road. Even though the choices were poor, my calorie count was only 1347. Good... but bad. However, I definitely proved something to myself. I truly got this journey. I GOT IT!!! Cause the old me, would have went insane with food. I didn't. I strayed some, yes, but I did not overindulge. All these stresses, worried about how to pay this and that, and plus what I had mentioned already..... this would have sent me so off the deep end, but I am still here, still doing my journey, and I am still happy even though things are so gloom right now. What people have to realize when they take on a weight loss journey. It is not just the weight of the fat you need to lose... you need to lose the emotional baggage, lose the negativity, and you will be like a hot air balloon. Once the last sand bag is removed, watch you just glide in the sky to admire the beauty this world has.

Another One Bites the Dust....

Well, I did it. It about killed me, but I did it. I did Indian Point. I did the trail and the stairs just like I had set out to do. I needed to do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could. Going down was not as difficult as going back up. Going up, I almost did not make it. At one point, I got super sick to my stomach and dizzy along with some shortness of breath. It was bad, but at least I finished what I set out to do. It shows me that I am not where I want to be just yet, but I am definitely on the right path of getting there :) Didn't go to the zoo this month as anticipated, but we will go eventually. There was a change of plans that was beyond our control. However, we do have a plan in the making for another goal I had in mind for this summer. Presque Isle bike trail. It is a loop that is approximately 13 miles. We plan on going there, packing a lunch, riding to the midway point for a picnic, then returning to our vehicle. I have done over 14 miles before, it takes me about 3 hours, so I know what I am in for. I was sore from the last long trip, but there were hills and such that presque isle does not have. *Should* be easier than the last long trip. It is all flat land. I am excited but also very nervous. I want to be able to do it. Even though (to me) it seems like I have not lost all that much this month, I feel that I have gained some stamina, some strength, and some more mobility. I am still sore from Indian Point...haha. It is a good sore though. I worked muscles that have not been worked, so that is good :) I want to try to not focus so much on what the scale says.... especially mine. haha. It is so fickle at times and I do not want to get discouraged on my journey. I do not want the scale to be the only reflection of my hard work. The scale does not tell you of all the accomplishments you have made nor does it tell you all the victories you have won. I have learned that along the way with my journey. I am looking forward to doing more things. I have such a desire to enjoy life since I had been watching it go by for so many years. You know that one poem about the "dash" that is between your birth date and death date on a gravestone? I want that dash to represent happiness and a full life.... a life that was well lived, not just existence. I want to be able to make that dash be as long as I can.

Goals Are Met- Goals Are Set - Let's Do This Thing!

Even though I have had quite a few ups and downs this month, one thing for sure. I know I have lost more weight. One of my goals to meet was to be able to not only sit behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but to drive it. I couldn't fit behind the wheel.... I was too dang fat! A few months ago I tried, I could get in, but the wheel but into my stomach pretty bad. Well, yesterday I took the truck out for a spin! The wheel barely brushes my tummy now. That made my day! I was so happy to finally reach that goal.

Now, onto a goals that are going to be met this month. We are going to a zoo, and I am going to walk it, and I am going to have fun with my family! It is SO nice to be able to walk now. I still get pain from my back, but that is a given. Pain meds and back patches will take care of that mess.. haha.

I set a goal for myself after reading someone else's post. I think I am going to conquer one of my "fears" or shall I say, "Oh hell no" things. There is this park called, "Indian Point" that we love. There is a trail and the "hell no" part... a large flight of stairs....... oh yes, that is my goal. I am going to do the trail, and I am going to do the stairs that take you down to the river. It is not a short flight of stairs by any means. It was rough when I did them clear back in 1997-98. I was the same size as I am now. (Weight wise, not shaped the same... not sure how that works, but it is what it is) I am going to do this before the month is over with. Here is a map so you can see the trail & the stairs:

http://www.lakemetroparks.com/select-park/documents/IndianPointTrailMap0606.pdf

I need to do this. I have to. I need to face fears head on and take them out. I can not be afraid that I can't do this or that... I have to just jump in and do it. I think I am more than ready for this challenge since I can walk a mile, ride my bike for miles, etc. Here is a picture of the stairs :) Gets the nerves up seeing the picture, but I can do this.

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4084/5045452058_fa435bf7b5_z.jpg

Here is a video of the park:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwv5h7je-Ic

I Want to Smash All Scales

I have come to the conclusion that I can not trust scales to tell me the truth about my weight. No matter what I do, no matter what scale, I do not get an accurate reading to save my life. No wonder there are some people that do not even monitor their weight by the numbers... it can be very discouraging and down right frustrating! I just want to smash the little f'ers to bits! Today was another party... make that TWO parties. Of course, wonderful food was to be had at both places. I tried to be good.... but landed myself in the 2500 calorie intake again today. 3 time this month! I am not used to eating over 1400, especially THAT much. I have got to get a grip on this shit or I am going to gain every ounce that I lost back again and then some. I do NOT want to return from where I once came. Screw that. I am just starting to gain my life back and I will be damned if I am handing it back over to my addiction. My food addiction has stole so much from me... take that back... I ALLOWED it to steal so much from me, there is no way I am letting it get away with that again. Forget that noise. I have got to really get a hold of this before I spiral out of control again. More discipline and less allowance to eat this and that. With every allowance, old habits are wanting to creep their way back and I can not have that! I was killing myself before, I am not done living and I am enjoying that I CAN live. I guess in a way this is a pep talk to myself, but man, I have got to get a grip here. I mean, I know that by no means I am as bad as I was with food, even on my worst day as of late... but I have to protect myself from a grave error. You know how there are some people that use others. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile? Yeah. Addiction is the same way. It uses you to fulfil what it desires. If you give it a little taste of something it has been wanting, knowing it is not good, it will run with it and before you know it a bite of pleasure turns into a plate of guilt. I guess I need to put my foot down with myself and get back on track! As far as I know, I am still losing, not gaining. Again, the accuracy of the scale I am having serious issues with. It bothers me because I would truly like to continue keeping track, but the stupid ass thing keeps telling me something different every time I step on it. (within 5 minutes or less of each time mind you) Anyway, I am going to go. I am quite sleepy. Had a long day full of parties, people, and food. I need to wind down and start over tomorrow. Have a good night <3 Toodles!

It is what it is.....

Well hello my blogging friends. Been a while so I thought that I would drop a few lines. Had some aggravations, some disappointing moments, and a couple of oopsies so far this month, but still doing my thing. Let's start off with my lovely scale. Let's just say I would love to take a large sledge hammer and see what is inside it. I am thinking some little troll is in there, trying to make me miserable. Well, back in June I was at a friend's house and attempted to step on her scale. MY scale said I was 338.... hers said I was 368! I was like, what.... the..... fuuuuuuuu..... Of course, I thought maybe her scale was off and kinda brushed it off. Wasn't until I went to another friend's house on July 4. Stepped on her scale, which they swear is accurate because it is the same as a freight scale, said that I weighed 358. *Blank stare* By this time, I had a hunch that my other friend's scale had been right. I was upset, but didn't show it because I didn't want to be "Debbie Downer". I brushed it off and said, "Either way, it is still over 100 pounds I have lost." Well, it wasn't until I got home and decided to chat with my online friends (who are also on a weight loss journey) that I broke down and sobbed. I didn't know whether to shut the laptop and run to my room, or tough it out and try to stop crying. They encouraged me and made me feel better....even though in some ways, it still bothered me. So, a few days ago, I stepped on my friend's scale (the original one that I had stepped on before) and it said I weighed 353. Still not as low as I thought I had been all this time, but proof that my weight is still going down anyway. So, that means I did not hit my May goal....even though my scale said I did. :( That had me bummed. SO, by the end of this month, I want to be 350 or less. My scale is so messed up, I am not even sure if I want to use it. I have tried and get different readings all the time. I give up on that friggin thing. So, not only was it confirmed on July 4 that my weight was 20 pounds more than I had thought..... but my eating was a little overboard. I was doing 1400 calories at the time.... I ate 2002. First time I had gone over 2000 since I started this back in January. Then, July 14 was another bad eating day for me.... was over 2,500! I felt so bad I went out for a 58 minute bike ride. It helped, but didn't erase the damage. I got to stop this crazy eating! It is so difficult when I am at parties, parties that have really good food. I have a two more parties coming up. This is going to be a challenge for me. I hate not knowing for sure what I am eating. I track it like a hawk. I am so deathly afraid of going back to what I was. The person who couldn't walk anymore, that would eat and eat and eat.... the person that had no life except sitting on the couch or at the computer all day. I am truly scared of that. I don't want to go back to "jail." So, this month I set a goal for myself. It is a tough one, but I am going to do it. There is a park called, "Indian Point" that has a walking trail, and then a massive amount of stairs. I want to do the trail, get to the stairs, walk down them, then back up them, and the trail to go back to the car. Last time I was there, I did most of the trail and it about killed me...without the stairs. I have to do this. I need to do this. I have not done this since 1996-1997. If I am at the weight I was then, I should be able to do it. It was rough for me back then, but I did it! We are also suppose to go to the zoo this month. A friend is treating us because she and her family want us to go. That was one of my goals for this summer, was to go and actually walk the whole thing and enjoy myself. Last time I was there, I spent 80% of my time sitting down because I could not walk. I want to really have a good time and experience the zoo instead of sitting watching others do their thing. I want to do my thing! lol Anyway, that is where I am right now. I would update you on my weight, but I truthfully do not really know where I am right now. I am assuming I am still losing. (even with those two eating days from hell) Take care and I hope you all are doing well.

Goals & More Goals

Hi all you out there in blog land! I finally decided to write in here again. Been a while! Anyway, thought that I would do a little reflecting and updating. Well, I was paging through my older posts and came across the one written on April 13, 2013. I saw that I had some goals set. This is what it read: ------------------------------------------------ My summer goals are: 1. Go to Waldameer and actually be able to ride the rides (Maybe next year, but one can hope!) 2. Go to the zoo with my family and actually ENJOY it and not sit out most of it like the last time. 3. Ride Presque Isle on my bike. (Loooooong ride, but I want to give it a try and see if I can do it!) 4. Be one or two sizes smaller!!! My end of the year goals? 1. JEANS!!!!!! 2. Size 18 would be awesome, smaller would be dreamy! However, I will take ANY smaller size.. lol 3. Be able to sit behind the wheel in my husband's truck and drive it! 4. Be in the 200's. (even if it is 299... still counts!) ------------------------------------------------- Well, I have hit some of these goals. Some are in the making, but I think I will knock them out of the park. These are the goals I have hit: 1. I am now officially down 2 sizes. I started out with 4-5X tops, 5-6X pants. My shirts are now 2-3X. Pants, not sure quite yet cause I have not tried anything smaller. I DID however have a wonderful NSV (Non-scale victory)! A friend of mine had a pair of jeans that I asked if I could try on. The last time I tried on a pair of jeans, I was in the store called "Catherine's" and had the largest size they make..... 38 in my hands, in hopes that they would fit. I remember being in the dressing room and I had tried them on. They didn't button... not even close. I dropped them on the floor, put my pants on, and left crying. Well, the pants she had were size 38. (Talk about flash back) Anyway, I went into her bathroom to try them on. I anticipated that they would not fit.... counting on them not to fit. Well, I was right....... they didn't fit. THEY WERE TOO BIG! I buttoned them and was able to take them off without unbuttoning them. OMG... I cried so hard. I finally was able to get those 38 pants on! We are guessing I am around a 34 now. 2. Planning on the bike ride at Presque Isle!!! Been biking here and there getting ourselves ready for it :) So, this is a goal in the making. 3. I can get behind the wheel of my husband's truck, but is still a little difficult to steer. Not too much longer though! 4. The zoo or Waldameer thing... may have to pick just one of those since finances are not on our side at the moment. So, it will be one or the other. Thinking zoo :) 5. I am now 338 pounds. 38 more pounds until my year end goal of getting in the 200s! I never thought that I would ever be this close to 200 again!!! My total weight loss is 130 pounds!!!! I lost a complete person off my back... that person was the one that was holding me down all this time.... and I was letting them! Not anymore! Now that person can take her sister with her! hahahaha. I have about 120-130 left to go. So yeah, one more person to lose :) All in all, I am actually proud of myself. Someone that could not walk in a store can now walk a mile on a track. Someone that could not put on their own shoes is now putting them on and taking off! So many changes. I was talking to some friends this evening and I realized that I will be able to PARTICIPATE in taking our daughter trick or treating. I have always drove it, and followed.... I CAN WALK IT NOW :) Gets me so emotional thinking about it. Another NSV for me today. I mowed the whole yard!!!! Took me 20 minutes, but I DID IT! Couldn't do that a year ago to save my life! I have had good days and bad days, but I try not to let it get me down. Sure, I get down once in a while... but I don't stay there. I am done with the depression that has been ruling my life. Tired of food running my life. MY LIFE... and I am the one in control. Nothing is going to take that away from me again if I can say anything about it. Not anyone, not any food, and no more being depressed. Done with it. Time for living and I am so ready for this warmer weather! I hope you all are happy, healthy, and taking care of yourselves! Toodles!

Not Much to Say, but I am Going Talk Anyway....

Hello blogland, I am sitting here, feeling as if I could sleep another ten years. Daughter is off to school and husband will soon be off to dreamland. (I hate thirds, just saying) According to my scale, I made my May goal, 350 pounds! A part of me is excited, yet, worried that my scale is wrong...lol I know I have lost a lot of weight. People notice when they see me. Still have not gone shopping for new clothes. I got one shirt if that counts. haha. Went to a birthday party the other day and I actually allowed a picture to be taken of me. When I saw it, I about cried. I look different. I almost didn't believe the picture was accurate. I looked smaller! I still have my belly, and the belly still sticks out, but not as bad as it did. I actually see my lap now! When holding my daughter, she always sat on my belly because I had no lap. She sits on my lap now. Not completely uncovered, but getting there. I have been doing a 30 day challenge of workouts. I am not going to lie, I have to argue with myself to do them. They are SO much work for me to do. Hence, why they call them "work" outs. It is beginner level, too. My body feels it, let me tell you. Been feeling it in my stomach muscles when I bend over. My stomach feels strained. Not digging that feeling too much. I know that they are helping me though... because of that strain. Working muscles that are not used to being worked is a good thing... right? Anyway, enough rambling about that. I am trying to think of goals for June. I am thinking 330 is a good one. Seems as if I am losing roughly 20 a month, so that is not too far out there. I want to set other goals for myself, other than just involving weight. I want to do at least one fun thing that costs money with the family.... zoo, boat ride (Daughter has been really on us about that), Niagara Falls, etc. So many times we don't do things because it costs money. Once a month should not kill us to do. I thrive on family time and now that I am actually able to enjoy it, participate in it, I want to do it. Feel bad because we had to cancel our trip this weekend to a zoo that is two hours away. The forecast has been saying all week that there are going to be thunderstorms. Awful lot of money to throw away if it is rained out. Trying to think of something else we can do. I am thinking taking the little one to a splash park, since it is going to be hot. Those are free. If it starts to look ugly out, it won't be nearly as big of a deal. Gosh... that reminds me. I need a new bathing suit! I am sure that the one I have is too big now. Don't want anything peeking out that shouldn't be. *blank stare* OK.. I am going to close for now. I am starting to get more sleepy from my morning medication. Don't want to say something really crazy like I chew socks or something (I don't... just being silly.. lol) Take care all and have a great weekend!!!!!!

Oh My God!

That is one heck of a way to greet me after not seeing me for a year... you know what? I ate it up. Every.... single.... word. Saw my niece today. Have not seen her in a year. She had asked me to do a photo shoot for her and her daughter, and I did it. Oh my goodness, how much easier it was for me to maneuver! I was climbing small hills, walking along the river bank, squatting, sitting on the ground, etc. The last time I did a shoot, I was not getting around that well and took a cut in pay (my idea) because it was taking more time than a normal shoot. But her face when I got out of the van.... "Oh my god! You look good!" I asked her if she could see a difference and she said, "Yeah I can! Big difference. I can tell you lost a lot of weight." When I told her I was now down 115 pounds, her mouth dropped. Told her I still have around 130ish to go, one day at a time. Also, I showed her how my clothing is fitting me. A shirt that I wore on the photo shoot before I lost the weight, was kind of tight..... it is rather loose now. FINALLY my belly is starting to go away. I am so happy! Oh my god!!!! :D

Time to Shop

Hello blog land. Been busy the last few days with this and that. My body is telling me that I have really been working it, which is good! I signed up for a 30 day internet challenge for workouts. Let me tell you what....some of those exercises really bring reality head on. I am so weak! Leg strength, I have all day long. Abs, arms, etc. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I even went and got a set of 3 pound dumb bells to help along with this work out challenge. Today is day 11, day of rest....thank goodness! My arms are still sore from yesterday's venture. They are beginner, low impact workouts and it makes me feel like this. Well, with all the bike riding, working out, and watching my calorie intake....I finally, FINALLY see I need clothes that FIT! We stopped at McDonald's yesterday because my bladder could not take it anymore..haha. I looked in the mirror and my clothes hang on me. I mean HANG. I could fit Abby in with me, that is how much room I have. My shorts I had on, I have them as tight as they will go. They are pull string waist, and the strings hand down almost to my knees! Looks more like a skirt! haha. I had put on a pair of my underwear that I used to wear... oh my goodness. I need a pillow to stick between my butt and the seat of the underwear, otherwise they just hang there, exposing my butt! So not kidding! I think it is time to get rid of them for sure! However, I feel leery about getting rid of the clothes. I am not quite sure if it is fear of needing it again, fear of not fitting smaller clothes, I don't know. I know it is a mental thing going on. I feel safe in the bigger clothes, like I am hidden. I don't know how to explain it. I have to figure it out. I do plan on hitting yard sales for more clothing. So weird not to try to find 4 or 5 X. The largest pair of pants I have in my closet is size 6X. I can't wear them anymore. The legs are all ballooned and they about fall off of me....yet, I hang on to them. WHY? Is it a hoarding issue? lol I must admit, the shirts are going to be difficult to get rid of because I LOVE loose fitting shirts in the first place. It was pretty difficult to find one at the size I was... but now, ALL my shirts are loose. I suppose it won't hurt to keep some of my favorites and part with ones I do not wear as much. Just feels so weird. I don't really own anything that fits right. Heck, my nightgowns are huge on me. I have one that I will probably have to part with, which is a 5-6X. It keeps falling off my shoulders. I wake up to my "girls" outside of the stupid thing in the morning sometimes. Not cool when you have a little girl that comes in at times to greet you in the morning. haha. I just have to realize that I am not that big, even though mentally I still am. I have about reached my end of May goal :) My goal was to be 350 pounds before the end of May (Was hoping before my daughter's birthday, which is only a few days away). Monday, my weight was 353. I am SO close! I hope I can get it. Then, I will have to create a new goal for June. Maybe 335 before the end of June. Gosh, that seems so unreal! I am getting closer and closer to being in the 200's.... omg, I will cry like a little baby the day that scale reads 299 or under. You have no idea how that will impact me. I have not been in the 200's since high school. I can't wait!!! haha. I know I am rambling... hope I am not boring you guys to death. I know I talk a lot about my weight loss, but it has become such a big part of my every day life. I don't regret it for one minute. Every struggle, every challenge, every pain has been damn worth it. With each baby step, I am getting closer to the finish line. I may be the tortoise getting there, but remember the tortoise won that race, not the hare.

"I'm Surprised I'm Not Fat...I'm Lazy Too."

Yesterday was a pretty good day... for the most part. Started off a little stressful, but ended up good. Got to visit a good friend and her family, whom I have not seen in a while. I was eating up all the compliments of my weight loss. Heck yeah! lol Makes you feel good when your hard work is noticed. If you have something good to say about my weight, carry on! I will listen! LOL I actually got to walk with my friend through her wooded area at her home. It was super! I have never been able to do it before. She was happy that I was able to. So was I! If I were told last year that I would be able to do all the stuff that I have been doing, I would have said someone was full of shit. I am simply amazed at myself. If that sounds weird, well so be it. Not the first time I have been weird... ha. After we left her house, we hit the bike trail. Got to a detour and had to take it to get the rest of the trail. Oh my god..... that incline about killed me. It was nice coming back though... coasted down it with no peddling.. haha. My legs felt like rubber. That and the fact we were on the trail for 3 hours, 10 minutes. Went 14.59 miles! My ass was kicked and I was super sore. Me and Ben Gay had a date for the evening. On the trail, we took a rest at a rest area and we ran across this young guy named Cody. He was a little odd, but a friendly sort. He was on his way out of town via the bike trail. He had about 5 more hours to go before reaching his destination. I told him I was still getting used to riding, that I had only been riding this last year because I was out of shape. Then we got on the subject of weight. I told him I had lost a lot of weight, had more to go, but was determined I was going to do it. He patted his belly and said, "I'm surprised I'm not fat cause I'm lazy too. I sit around and eat potato chips." I looked at him. Lazy? ME? LAZY!?!? At first, I thought.. "You butthole." Then, I realized he may have had a point. I AM a lazy person. I think that played a part of my weight gain, but not the whole problem. Eating, depression, laziness, etc.... all played a role in it. Hand in hand led me to 468 pounds. So, I guess he wasn't an butthole. lol

468...How Does That Happen?

How does one end up being 468 pounds? I had asked myself that question on numerous occasions. It is more than liking food. Heck, a lot of people enjoy food, but a lot of people do not end up 468 pounds. It is more than that.... much deeper than that. It is only a symptom of the problem, not the total problem. How does one end up morbidly obese? One word sums it up.... pain. I didn't realize it until I looked long and hard at my life, what went wrong. I was 92 pounds when I was in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! How does a child get that big at such a young age? Genetics? Maybe. I think it might stem from something else. Although I do not remember exactly when my poor eating habits began, but I do remember exactly what happened when I was 5, right before going into kindergarten. An older teenage boy, who was a neighbor and my mom's friend's son, molested me twice. I had NO idea what was going on, why he wanted me to do the things he was having me do, I was completely oblivious. I remember almost every detail. I remember what went through my mind when he exposed himself to me. As ridiculous as it sounds, it didn't even register that it was a part of his body. I had never seen anything like that before and was completely clueless. Even after it happened I was clueless. It wasn't until later on in life that I truly understood what had happened. Even though I had the innocence of a child, I was still uncomfortable. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know what. Unfortunately, this was not going to be the only time that something like this happens to me. Again when I was 10 until I was 11 by my cousin, and then at 18 by a boyfriend I had. The first incident really didn't affect me until it happened again with my cousin when I was 10. It sent me into a complete tail spin. My parents marriage was already very rocky, there was a lot of stress in the house since my cousin ended up staying with us, and then this happened. When I finally got brave and told my mother, I was told to keep it secret from my father, because he was already starting to have health issues. She got him placed into foster care since he was a minor. I had to go on with life as if nothing happened.... although there was no way I possibly could. I started flunking in school, started to stay more to myself, and I started eating...and eating a lot. I was starting to have anxiety issues, to the point that just the very thought of going to school was making me sick. When I stayed home, I ate and ate. Example, I would eat 8 pieces of toast smothered in butter in one sitting. I would make a box of macaroni and cheese and eat it in one sitting. Once an active child, all I wanted to do was sit around and eat. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was 194 pounds. 1987 was one of the worst years of my entire life. My one friend I had since we were babies moved out of state, my other best friend was killed in an accident, and then my dad had a massive heart attack that left him 1/3 of his heart to live on. Loss after loss after loss. Although my dad didn't die, he was never the same again and his bad tempter got MUCH worse. I picked up smoking. Was easy to do since my parents were smokers. It wasn't until July 20, 1987 that my mom found out I smoked. Instead of getting me to quit, she would supply my newly found addiction. At the time I thought she was cool, now I just do not know what was going through her head as to why she would go along with it. I am thinking because she was mentally weak due to all the mental abuse from my dad. He was vicious at times with his words. He had the ability to break you down with the things he said. I loved him, yet, I could not stand him a lot of the time. Just so much to deal with. A year later, I started drinking. I was still doing horribly in school and I was still eating any chance that I got. By the time I was in the 9th grade, 3 months into it I was expelled for missing too many days. I never returned to school. 1993 is another awful year. Struggling taking care of my father, who's health was deteriorating more and more as the days went on, wondering how he was still alive. I had made some bad choice and ended up with a loser who ended up taking advantage of me. My mother was stricken with multiple sclerosis. My life as I knew it was turning upside down. Although I was used to helping my mom to take care of my dad, I ended up taking care of both of them. I was a nurse, a mother, and rarely the child in the equation. By this time, I had friends that I would escape with and they would always treat me out to eat. So now, I was eating out a lot on top of eating a lot when I was at home. I weighed 350 pounds. As time went on, there was a ray of sunlight in my life.... my husband. One of the best things that has ever happened to me. Saw me through a lot, helped me face the demons of being raped, I quit smoking & drinking, and I was trying my best to live a good life in spite of everything falling apart around me. 1996 we were married. We decided it was best to remain living with my parents because I feared they would not be able to survive on their own due to their health. 3 years later, my dad passed away. I was saddened, yet relieved. My mom no longer had to tolerate the abuse. I honestly do not know why she stayed with him. She said she loved him, but I really don't know why? Maybe the same reason I loved him, because he was something to me... he was my dad. He was her husband. For the first time in a very long time, my mom was starting to turn around. She had went from someone that took care of herself, to someone who honestly didn't give a shit. She was starting to care again, which made me happy. Of course, we took her out to eat... A LOT. 2002, my mom passed away from uterine cancer. I felt SO lost. I felt orphaned. My husband and I really struggled for a year after her death because neither one of us had ever been on our own and we were thrown into the role with little to no warning. It was a huge adjustment. We never really ate a home... always ate out. What was the point of cooking for two? At least, that was what we thought. Fast forward to 2006. 10 years of marriage, never been pregnant. Was told I couldn't get pregnant, mainly due to my size. So, we never gave it a thought...... until June 6, 2006 when I went to the doctor. I was not feeling well and was scared that something horrible was wrong....afraid that I may have had what my mother had. Went for an ultrasound and found out I was 7 months pregnant. (No lie) However, the ultrasound showed that something was terribly wrong. August 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, only to lose her 14 1/2 hours later. Her kidneys didn't work and her lungs never developed. This was the most tragic thing that ever happened to me. I blamed myself for losing her. If only I had known, although there was no real way of knowing. It was normal for me not to have periods for months on end, was told I couldn't get pregnant, so I wasn't looking for it. I thought it was impossible. I felt as if life was a big, cruel joke. I simply didn't care about much. I did a lot of reading and learned that the best time to get pregnant was after you have given birth, within 3 months or so. I knew I could get pregnant and we decided to go for it. November 2006 I found out I was pregnant. At my 16 week check up, we learned that our baby girl had a heart defect, and possibly had downs. I was scared. By this time, I was also on bed rest because I was showing signs of toxemia. Bed rest on top of my eating habits was a really bad combination. My weight by now was 410. May 2007 they had to deliver our daughter by c-section. I was only 30 weeks along, which made her a preemie. Not only were we facing the fact that she needed heart surgery, but she was also premature. After a 3 month stay at the hospital, she was able to come home. However, I was limited to how much she could go out, which made me a more of a hermit, not getting out and moving about. I would stay home and eat. December of 2007 was time for her heart surgery. I never been more scared in my life. She did very well and she had a new lease on life. (She is still doing great!) However, with all the stress, all the staying home, all the not doing anything really caught up with me. I began having difficulty walking, doing minimal things around the house. I was in complete denial that it was my weight causing the issue. 2008 or 2009 (Can not remember exactly) I ended up in the ER. When they had me step on the scale, I about had a heart attack on the spot. It read... 468 pounds. I almost started crying. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pretended as if it never happened. At this point, I did not care what I ate, how much I ate, how many times I ate. I ate and I ate. I had accepted that I was fat, was going to be fat, nothing I could do about it, so might as well enjoy whatever I want. 2012 I had a doctor tell me that I was too far gone to diet. That only confirmed my way of thinking and from the office I went straight to the buffet. I DID NOT CARE. So, what made me start to care? My daughter. It didn't really hit me until my daughter wanted to do things with me and I couldn't do them. She wanted me to play on the playground, go for walks, ride a bike... I simply could not do it. When I saw how much she desired for me to be a part of her life, I felt that I had to do something. I had tried to diet, failed. Tried again.... failed. What was I doing wrong? Then it dawned on me. I needed to address how I got to 468 in the first place. All the pain I had tucked away from all the things that happened in my life... I needed to face them head on. It was 2012 after the death of my cousin (not the one who hurt me). She had committed suicide. It was the straw that broke my back. I mentally crashed. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to fight my way back up if that makes any sense. I would spend a lot of time thinking about a lot of things.... my life, my childhood, the losses I had suffered. Sometimes, sitting here crying. I had to let the pain go. I was able to "release" my first daughter and say good bye to her. I had to admit that my dad was abusive and I had ugly feelings toward him. I had always spoke highly of him because I was in complete denial of how he was. I had to forgive my cousin (not tell him, just in my heart) so I could make peace with what happened. Same with the teenage neighbor and my ex boyfriend. I had to admit to mistakes that have been haunting me and apologize for them, which I did. I needed to finally believe that I was worth the fight, that I was worth trying to save. My husband and my daughter NEEDED me. For a long time I had convinced myself they didn't need me, was better off without me. I had to do this. If not, I would try to diet and fail over and over because it was never a food issue..... it was a mental one! Food was a comfort. It was make me feel whole, gave me pleasure in its taste, numbed the pain or anxiety I had felt. Because of the "feel good factor" I became a food addict. I would eat when I was bored, even if I wasn't hungry. I would eat large amounts of food at a time. I would eat simply because! It was my way of making reality go away so I didn't have to deal with it... just for that time. Do I still struggle with urges to eat when upset? You bet I do! What do I do instead? I talk about what is bothering me. I face it and deal with it to the best of my ability. I have become so much stronger once I had this revelation. I no longer run to the fridge, or to the cupboard. I used to celebrate with food... all occasions! Why? Because food was a FEEL GOOD FACTOR! It just makes so much sense to me now. Yes, this blog is pretty long winded. This is actually the 5th time I sat down to write it. So many painful memories. BUT, it does help to face them, share them, talk about them.... because it is when you hold it in that it hurts the most and will eventually hurt you in one way or another. So when you see an obese person, before passing judgement that they are lazy, that they eat too much, think and know... more than likely, they are in pain and just trying their damnedest to make it go away... at least for a little while. No one (at least in their right mind) sets out to be 468 pounds.

What the Heck is That?

This weight loss journey has been tough, not so tough, fun, maddening, interesting, educational, and rewarding. Learning more and more about myself with each passing day. Now that I have made it over the 100 pound weight loss mark, weighing 360, I am really starting to see my body morph into different shapes. My stomach is starting to look kinda like a sack of marbles. It is lumpy! Freaked me out at first. I asked a fellow weight loss buddy who also has a huge stomach, and they told me that it is normal, not to worry. It means the fat is disappearing, it is a good thing. Other things I have noticed is extra skin. Yuck. My arms, my upper/inner legs, under my arms, on my sides.... I knew it was going to happen. I just don't like it! However, being healthy is far more important. If that is all I have to deal with, then so be it. Other things I have noticed.... I can feel my bones!!! I can feel my back, my hip bone, my collar bone is visible, and I have a shin! lol It is so weird to see it move when I wiggle my toes. I can also feel my tail bone, which can literally be a pain in the ass when you sit for too long, or sit on a hard surface. I am so used to having that cushion that it is almost bothersome. I am sure I will get used to it though. I can see the bones in my feet. I know it sounds so crazy, but when you have been fat your entire life, and you are used to not seeing or feeling these things, when you finally do... it is WEIRD! I am constantly asking my husband, "What is this??" or, "What is that?" Feeling the ribs in my back was just eewwww to me.. haha. Gosh, if I am feeling my bones now, can you imagine how I am going to react when I lose the next 140 pounds? I am going to need padding all around me where the fat was.. lol. One thing that I have learned throughout this journey... it does not just shape your body, it shapes your mind and your spirit. Shapes you as the entire person. Your attitude, your strength, your will... ever aspect of your life is touched by the decision to live healthier and take care of yourself. I am looking forward to seeing what my fat has been hiding all these years other than my bones. I know it has been hiding me from society, from meeting people, from going some places, from doing things with my family and friends.... No more hiding. I am proud of who I am becoming, how far I have traveled, and I shouldn't have to hide...and I won't! <3

Looking Out For Me......

Hello all :) I decided to check my email that I use for genealogy and what do I see? An email from a person that I have not spoken to for almost 6 years. Stunned to see their name in my inbox, I decided to read it. At first, the email left me confused as to how to respond...then I came to the conclusion that I am probably not going to. I have known this person since the 5th grade. We have been on again, off again friends quite a few times. She has done some vicious things to me in our teenage years, and has also done some things as adults. Just not something that I am willing to invite back into my life. My life is going good right now, even when there are bad days. Mentally, I have found peace of mind and there is no amount of money on the planet to allow me to compromise that. Took a long time to find that peace, not about to lose it. This person has had their share of health issues. When faced with the last one, she had contacted me, wanting to make amends and be friends. She had apologized for treating me so poorly and wanted a chance to be a good friend to me. Even though I was reluctant, I decided to give her a chance thinking she may have done some growing up since the falling out we had. Once her health started to improve, the person that I once knew started to rear her head. Again, started to talk to me in such a way that although not said straight out, but belittling me and putting me down. I really feel that this person feels that she can treat me any way she chooses and I will always come back. See, she has always treated me like the little fat girl in school, desperate to keep a friend that I would tolerate ANYTHING to keep them, just so I had a friend. I would take being treated poorly, being put down, being made to feel inadequate. That little fat girl has died...... I am here now. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me in this manner. I know what I deserve and I know how I want to be treated. Now this person is going through worse health issues, one of the issues she faced has returned and is worse this time around. I truly feel bad that she is facing so much at such a young age. I wish no one this sort of grief. However, with that being said.... I do not wish anyone to feel how she makes me feel. No one should make you feel less than a person to edify themselves and make them feel better as a person. NO ONE. There is just so much history there... and most of which is bad. Even though this person has asked for forgiveness, and has asked for a chance to mend our friendship, I simply can't do it. I can forgive...but I can not let go of all the hurt and anguish that is there.... I can't. A part of me feels like she only contacts me when her life is falling apart... almost as if she is desperate. She has done some nice things for me and has been there during one of the most difficult times of my life. However, she has also made me feel like I owe her for it. Not that she was doing it to be a friend, but keeping a tab for a time when she could use it as a way to control me.... like I was indebted to her. The minute she got upset with me, she start throwing everything in my face everything that she has ever done, accusing me of using her. How can you use someone when you never asked them for anything and they insist you take this or allow them to do that? Many times I was reluctant and she insisted and insisted..... yeah, just to rub it in my face how much she did for me. Friends don't do that. I don't keep score, you know what I mean? So after much consideration and after asking advice from my friends on facebook.... I am just leaving it alone. I just can not bring myself to speak to her. Too much water under the bridge and I don't swim well.

Life.... an ever changing thing

Hello people! Thought that I would check in and update you all on how I have been doing. Well, today was my "weigh day" and I am now 360 pounds :) So hard to believe! I can not believe how much my life has been changing. Today, I started a fitness challenge with the "Obesity Warriors". 30 days long. Hope that I can do it! So far, I was able to conquer one thing I didn't think I could do. It is like a push up, but instead of bringing your body up and down, you remain up. When I am on the floor on my knees like that, it hurts like the dickens. So, I decided to put a couch pillow under my knees and I was able to do it! YAY! I am aiming for the goal of 350 before Abby's birthday. I sure hope I can do it! Just to be in the 200's again by the end of the year would make it well worth changing my lifestyle. That is what it is, too. It isn't a temporary thing, it is a permanent change in your life. Like I had just got done telling one of my friends. I do not consider what I do dieting. It is routine for me now, the normal. What would be out of the normal is eating poorly again. My eating habits have changed A LOT. That has been one of the major things during this journey that I know is taking off the weight. I can see my collar bone! I can feel my hip bone, my ribs, my tail bone (tail bone is not fun when sitting for a while... that sucker hurts!) The bones in my arms are more pronounced. It is just insane! I lie down on my back and my stomach sinks in and I can see my breastplate. WTF? Mind you, I still have a lot of weight to lose, but can not fathom that I can get an idea just how slim I will be once I get the weight off. I fear that I may be driving my friends crazy about my weight loss journey because I speak of it so much. I just can not help it! It is such a big part of my life....how could one be silent after losing over 100 pounds? That is a huge deal for me! Heck, that would be a huge deal for anyone! 468 was my biggest weigh in ever. 434 was my weight on February 8 and now, May 13 I weigh 360. Unbelievable. 74 pound loss in just 3 months! No special pills, no gimmicks. That is one thing that drives me nuts. People think they can pop pills and eat what they want. It does not work that way! Granted, some pills can help, but they do not do the work on their own... YOU have to be doing the work, they may make it easier... but that is it! They assist you, not do it all for you! Can you believe I am looking forward to my one year anniversary since I started my weight loss journey? Seems crazy, but I am serious! I want to see how many changes will happen in one year. Anyway, I am going to go for now. I am just rambling but I wanted to at least update this blog. It is a pretty handy tool to show me my progress... not only physically, but mentally as well! Have a great day! <3

Reflecting on the Old Me

Hello there fellow bloggers. It is me again! Just thought that I would write. It is almost 1:30am and I just got done watching an episode of Extreme Make Over Weight Loss Edition. The show was about a father named Jonathan who weighed 543 pounds. He and I were very much alike in a lot of ways. He desired to ride a bike with his children and he couldn't. He desired to be able to play with his kids, run and chase them, play ball. They would play around him but he really couldn't participate because his weight held him back. I sat and cried through most of the show because it seemed as if he was describing my life and how I was not that long ago. This journey that I have been on has been awesome. I went from being 468 pounds (which was a guess because it was my last known weight), not being able to shower without help. Couldn't put on my shoes. Not able to walk from one end of my house to the other without a break. Wasn't able to walk in stores, had to use the electric wheelchairs to shop. Heck, at Christmas time, I shopped online because I couldn't get out to shop at the stores. I couldn't do yard sales without having extreme difficulty. I would look at a few things and struggle to get back to the car. I wouldn't even be able to look at everything because of it. I would sweat A LOT. I would almost pant like a dog from being so short of breath. My back would hurt beyond belief. (It still does at times, but that is because I have a medical issue with it) I could not even get weighed at the doctor's office. Now? I can ride a bike. I can take a shower unassisted. I can put on my own shoes. I can walk for longer periods of time. I still get pain, but not nearly as bad. I can walk around stores for a hours at a time, pushing a cart. I hiked a trail. Was on my feet for 2 and a half hours at a kid show with my daughter and husband. I was able to do it. Last year, I spent 95% of the time sitting or finding the next chair. I actually RAN. Not a long time, but I did it. I have lost 84 pounds since that time I was weighed in at 468. I have lost 50 of that since February 8. I was finally able to be weighed at the doctor's office. So many little things have meant such a HUGE deal to me. Never did I imagine I would come this far. I have found strength within myself that I wasn't sure existed. I am finally happy and enjoying life. I have things to look forward to. I have goals and now I believe I can reach them because I have reached so many others. My goal for the end of this month is to weigh 375 or less. I am suppose to weigh in Monday on myfitnesspal, but I am pretty sure I have lost 4 more pounds. The scale has been telling me the last few times I was on it that I weigh 380. If that is the case, then I have 5 more pounds to reach my end of April goal :D However, because it is not Monday, I can not say it is official.. lol I will share with you some of my goals. My summer goals are: 1. Go to Waldameer and actually be able to ride the rides (Maybe next year, but one can hope!) 2. Go to the zoo with my family and actually ENJOY it and not sit out most of it like the last time. 3. Ride Presque Isle on my bike. (Loooooong ride, but I want to give it a try and see if I can do it!) 4. Be one or two sizes smaller!!! My end of the year goals? 1. JEANS!!!!!! 2. Size 18 would be awesome, smaller would be dreamy! However, I will take ANY smaller size.. lol 3. Be able to sit behind the wheel in my husband's truck and drive it! 4. Be in the 200's. (even if it is 299... still counts!) I am sure there are some that think these goals are silly, or do not mean anything. To me, they are everything. Unless you have been or you are morbidly obese, you have NO idea how much these goals mean. Each day I am fighting for my life, fighting to stay around longer to watch my little girl grow up, to be with my husband and harass him. I know that at 468 pounds, I had one foot in the grave and the other one on the grass. I can not allow myself to go back to that. No burger, no chip, no french fry, no blizzard from Dairy Queen will ever mean more to me than that. Never feel as good as getting on my bike and spending that time together as a family, enjoying the outdoors together. NOTHING means more to me than that. I will continue to strive and work to get where I need to be so I can be a healthy mom, wife, and friend. I am 38, but have been living as if I am an elderly person. I have SO much life in me. I am not ready to curl up and die. I have so much to live for. So with each day, I work at achieving that goal. Remember, if you are reading this.... know that there is nothing that you can not do. Once you set your mind to do something, you got it. Dig deep for that determination, for that inspiration. Step out of your comfort zone and see what you can do. If you can't, you will. If you fall, get back up. Only YOU can seal the book of your fate. Grab the pen and keep writing!